Blessed are they that Mourn for they shall be comforted.

Posted by  | Saturday, March 21, 2009  at 8:03 PM  
Many of you met me during the most difficult time of my life when I was an expectant mother praying in desperate tears for the healing and life of the little boy inside of me. God did heal him but didn’t allow him to live here on earth with us. His heart was not fashioned to beat in this world apart from being in my womb. The weeks following were ones that changed me forever and I have found God to be the firm foundation for my faith and the compassionate father who has captured every tear I have shed. Having Asher made me a mother; I loved that time with him and there was no going back to the way things were before him.

Even before Asher my husband and my heart had been open to the idea that God may have for us a child already born who is in need of a mother and father. We were already seeking to become foster parents when we had discovered we were having a difficult pregnancy and had to put the process on hold.

November, just three months after losing Asher we talked about reopening our status with the foster system and after a few steps we did so. It was a few weeks after that when they called us with a child needing a place to live short term., we prayed through it but God showed us through very clear signs and obstacles that right now our hearts are ready to full care and love a child as our own... and after our loss this summer we feel like the risk of losing another loved little one should be as minimal as possible, and this was definitely not a situation needing the amount of parenting that we were willing to give.

The week before Thanksgiving we had really asked the Lord to show us wisdom and guidance in what to do. Should we stay in the foster system? Should we go through a program that deals with foster children who are only in need of a permanent home? Should we wait? We decided to go ahead and look into the more permanent foster to adopt program then just go through the holidays and enjoy family and see where God may lead in the coming year. But one thing was clear, our hearts wanted to adopt. That was Monday and on Wednesday we got the call from New Life Adoption Agency! We had friends who worked there and knew we were hoping to adopt one day and were open to adopting transracially. But they had NO idea that we were in this process of wanting to adopt this soon.

"There is a woman who wants to put her baby up for adoption and hasn't found a family for her yet. She is due December 6th. She wants a two parent home and a Christian family for the baby within her. Would you be interested in adopting her? Can you put a profile album together and write a letter to this birth-mother?" We were hearing the words but were we really understanding it? Were they really asking us to consider becoming the forever parents of this little girl who hadn't even been born yet? Was God moving this fast and all of the sudden? Were we ready?

We had been walking in great faith in the days before that call. Why doubt Him now that the possibility was present. It just seemed too good to be true. a newborn. in two weeks. for us. for keeps. We started to get excited.

We were headed to Texas to spend thanksgiving with my family. What was intended to be a relaxing week away turned quickly into a whirlwind of paperwork and phone calls. The amount of paperwork we had to do in a week had been astounding.  Adoption is not for the weak at heart. But get this, look at some ways God worked all things together for good. The adoption agency called us and we both needed copies of our birth (remember she was due to be born the next week) I was headed to Austin the next day to see our relatives so we were able to request and pick up my birth certificate in a matter of hours. Dan's parents have not spent thanksgiving away in years and decided to spend this year in Michigan with family. They were in the very city Dan was born. By that afternoon both birth certificates were being over-nighted to Raleigh.

My family granted us the time needed to fill out so many forms and information. We are both blessed to have parents who have also embarked on this journey of adoption and we couldn't imagine our lives without our adopted brothers and sisters! They are amazing gifts of God.  Through all this craziness Dan was such a get it done guy through all this which was so what I needed because I'm prone to becoming paralyzed to act when overwhelmed. But He kept on keeping on. I think we probably broke any record the adoption agency had for the number of times we called them in one day.

We were both able to rest on Thanksgiving and enjoy our families. I can't tell you how much it has meant to me that our friends and families have rejoiced with us without reservation when opportunities have come up to bring a child into our home, whether it was going to be in a foster situation or to adopt. They are always so full of wisdom and belief that God will do exactly what we need in our life at this time. Even our extended families had started to open their hearts to this little one while we were there. Everyone was so willing to help us care and provide for this little baby girl should she come into our home and become our own.

We flew home on Friday and on the last flight home we sat next to a girl and when Dan asked me to pass him the adoption paperwork she asked us if we were adopting. We got to talking and she had been raped and become pregnant and carried her baby to full term and decided to give this baby up for adoption. She told me how carefully she picked out a birth mother and how much she is so glad she gave her little girl life. That was 12 years ago for her and she was sitting there crying and talking about the joys and difficulties of the adoption process. She was so happy for us. It was definitely the Lord that placed her right beside me.

Belief. Faith. Hope. Love. These are all things that we had been experiencing. All these things dispel fear and unbelief. With Christ there is no reason to fear or to be afraid that things won't work out. He had already shown us in a HUGE way that His plans are often not ours but that we had no reason to fear His hand or His heart. Cautiously optimistic had been two words that people have used to explain how we should be feeling in the days before this little ones birth. Dan and I were talking one night and with all we had to fill out and accomplish and do that week we needed more than cautious optimism fueling us. Belief had to take root in our hearts. Yes, our Father had complete authority to yank that root out and plant another seed of trust in times of trial. But we knew He would sustain us no matter what.

We were supposed to meet our birthmother on Monday December 1st over lunch. We were so excited and really had no idea what to expect. But we definitely weren’t expecting our agency to call us and reroute our lunch plans to WakeMed where our daughter had just been born at. I had to laugh because just as Asher came when we weren’t expecting him to, his sister followed suit.

So, we headed to the hospital to meet our daughter and the woman who had chosen to give her life.
Many people have asked me how weird has it been having an open adoption. And I really can’t complain or say it’s been weird because I don’t know anything else. And I had grown to love this woman because she was giving my future daughter life. And I had, in a way, a very similar experience with her in that I too had to give my child up to a better life away from me. I too knew what it was like to leave the hospital childless after going through the pain of having him. I couldn’t voluntarily have done that but here, this woman was choosing to give this gift of life not only to this child but to a family whom she had never met. I had the utmost respect for her so meeting her was a joy and a day I will never forget.

We spent several hours with Zoe and her birthmother at the hospital. It was such a great visit and God blessed us with sweet fellowship with her mom. We had some great moments and just shared our hearts on this little one and what our desires are for her. This mom knew she wanted more for this little girl than she could give her. I told her that we want to raise her to love Jesus and to be a compassionate person and stand for what is right in the world around her. So we talked, over the MTV music awards we talked about culture, music, values, families, history, life… It was a very sweet time that I will treasure always.

I cried when she had to leave the hospital that last day…sobbed more like it. I knew she had loved and sacrificed more for this child and more intimately than I had up to that point. My heart broke for her but rejoiced at God’s hand in her life and knew He would be faithful to sustain her and hold her just as He had held me the months before and even at that moment.

Then Dan and I became once again a family of three. Our hearts were heavy and floating, excited and terrified, nervous and confident…. Those first few days were days of paradoxical emotions! She became officially ours to adopt 4 months to the day of losing our precious son. She would never replace our son but she would bring so much laughter and delight and love into our home. God was bestowing 5lbs of soothing balm to our hurting hearts. We knew God was granting us a special and lasting love for this child of ours who just two weeks earlier we had no idea even existed.


Hugh & Hollie Carson said...

The back of my hands have mascara all over them. I SOBBED through your story. How painful and how beautiful is your story, all at the same time. I'm still crying...whew. Thank you for sharing your story with us. It has blessed me more than you know.

ChezDeshotels said...

Wow, I don't have words to say to comment on your story. You are truly a blessing and inspiration. I cried and ran to both my babv girls and kissed them. Thanking Jesus for the miracles they both are. Thank you for sharing your heart and soul

aje said...

What an amazing story! Thank you for sharing. I am so glad to see how God has worked marvelously in your lives and given you this gorgeous little girl! What a testimony of God's faithfulness!

Shannon said...

Oh, this has touched me so much. Your little girl is so beautiful.

Willis said...

I loved reading your story. Thanks for sharing. God blessed us with a son from Vietnam. After 10 years of marriage and no biological children, adoption has been the biggest blessing, other than salvation, in our lives. Your daughter is beautiful!

noahandlylasmommi said...

I love you Casey :)

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