Marital Issues: Sex, pt. 2

Originally posted in August 2010 with minor editorial changes

Preparation

Watching for mood killers
Nathan and I have regular mood killers—their names are Georgia, Baxter, and Eleanor. These wonderful little humans, that our intimacy created, also can steal our joy in the most private of moments. However, they are not the only ones. Creating a comprehensive list of mood killers is impossible, but here are a few ideas of things that can kill your intimacy:
• SIN—it is the barrier between us and God, and it is often the barrier between us and other people. Marriage strips away our façade of perfection and self-righteousness. It shows us how selfish we really are, and that selfishness extends to sex.
• Exhaustion—Lives are busy, schedules are wild, we fight exhaustion. I have, you have—we all have. Enough said.
• Inappropriate conversations—this sounds crazy, but I don’t advise talking about money and the budget shortly before you head upstairs for some personal time. Just a tip from someone who knows—money kills the romantic buzz. Other possible 'bad' topics: disciplining your children, anything to do with the in-laws, your spouse's preference for video games:)
• Poor planning/timing—Don’t putter around in the kitchen until the absolute last minute, so that you enter your bedroom tired and in a bad mood (um, yes, I am talking to myself!). Don’t put off lovemaking until right before bed every time—you will often be too tired to enjoy those moments. Schedule romantic times with your husband (and sometimes allow these times to not end in sex).
• Overeating—this makes you sluggish, tired and sleepy. It doesn’t help the romance!


Working on mood “builders”
Ladies, we must realize that many of our husbands can have sex any time of day, at the drop of a hat. We must prepare our hearts to be ready to embrace those moments.
• Make sex a matter of prayer. Ask the Lord to bless your marriage—all aspects, including intimacy.
• Confess any sins that might be hampering you. Confess any fears, desires, or concerns that you have.
• Plan for intimacy. If your husband has dropped the hint, make sure you PICK IT UP! Get rest in the afternoon so you don’t collapse in the evening. Surprise him by wearing a nightie that he likes. Be waiting for him to get home if he arrives later in the evening (he’ll LOVE that).
• Think romantic, desirous thoughts toward your husband during the day. If possible, communicate that to him. I am not advocating dirty emails or texts, but tell your husband you are longing for him.
• Kiss him passionately before he leaves for work. Kisses are good for the romantic soul, even when they don’t lead directly to sex.
• Play romantic music. Read romantic poetry. Read the Song of Solomon, thinking of your spouse as you do! Please note: I do not recommend watching a romantic movie/show/soap opera to prepare you for intimacy with your husband. Your affections should be directed toward your spouse, not toward Edward Cullen/Derek McDreamy/Fitzwilliam Darcy. I am not saying that there is anything wrong with being a fan of these characters (I am a big Darcy fan, personally), but that is just what they are—characters! They are figments of the imagination, and when we dwell on them too long, our affections shift from our Lord and our spouse to an idol of the heart. Guard your heart against emotional adultery, even with fictional characters!
• Think of what would please your husband! Our husbands love it when we are eager, willing, and responsive.
• Add incentive if you like: Best use of a dollar.

What mood killers do you fight against in your marriage? What mood “builders” work for you? I would love to hear your feedback. I hope that my little posts on sex and the importance of marital intimacy has been encouraging, and that anything I say might point you to the Author of marriage, intimacy and romance, our Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ.

Marital Issues: Sex, pt. 1 1/2

Originally posted August 2010 with minor editorial changes

At the suggestion of a fellow POH writer, I put together these questions for couples to discuss about sex. If this conversation makes you uncomfortable, feel free to skip this post entirely. Please note that not all of these questions apply to all married couples, or to both parties in the marriage. If possible, I would recommend that you ask these questions while on a weekend getaway, or an "at home" date when your children are away. This is topic in which you do not want to be interrupted! I would love our readers' feedback on these--what other questions should we be asking?


Expectations:
• How often do you want to have sex?
• Do you want ‘advance notice’ or is a last minute request okay? (i.e., you plan all day for intimacy at night, or do you "spur of the moment" decide? PS-I think there is room for both!)
• Is there a particular time of day that you like making love?
• Will you make love while the children are awake, or will it be after they are asleep?
• How much time do you want to spend in foreplay?
• Who does the initiation? Husband, wife, or both?
• Are you going to say yes every time intimacy is suggested? If no, for what reasons would you say no?
• Does the wife need to wear lingerie every time?
• Lights on? Lights off? During daylight hours or no?
• Ladies especially: do you expect a romantic dinner by candlelight before sex?
• Do our expectations reflect Christ-honoring principles of not withholding ourselves from our spouse, and of wives submitting to their husbands?
• What can I do to romance and woo you more?
• What can I do to serve you and meet your needs, physically, emotionally, and romantically?

Reactions:
• What do you enjoy about sex?
• What don’t you enjoy?
• Fill in the blanks: I like it when you kiss my ____________
• I enjoy your touch on my ____________
• What turns you on and arouses you? (ask yourself this, and ask your spouse this!)
• Do you (the wife) expect to have an orgasm each time you make love?
• What will help you achieve an orgasm?
• Do you (the wife) enjoy wearing lingerie?
• Do you enjoy foreplay? Verbal foreplay or physical foreplay?
• Are there things you do not want to do? (oral sex is often a big ‘line’—I am not offering an opinion, but saying that such things should be discussed)
• Is there anything I do that kills the mood?
• Does our treatment of each other in sexual relations reflect our Christ-centered commitments to love others more than ourselves, to not withhold ourselves from our spouse, and to keep the marriage bed holy?
• How is our sex life affecting our marriage and family?
• What would make me a better lover?


For further reading, I highly recommend the series of posts, "Being Sexy for your Husband" found at Making Home blog. You can read the first post of the series here.

Marital Issues: Sex, pt. 1

Originally posted in August 2010 with minor editorial changes

I debated titling this post simply “Sex”, but then realized many internet filters might block it…and it might appear alarming on your Google reader or Bloglines! I hope that you will not find this post offensive, but instead a helpful discussion of the priority of marital intimacy.

This quote from Nicole Chesmore at the Girl Talk blog paints a wonderful picture of the marital relationship:  “[W]hile I share fellowship and labors, joys and trials with many others, sex is something I share only with my husband. It’s our own little world, closed to all. Not even the dearest friend or family member can enter. We are on a journey, the two of us. An exclusive journey. A journey of love. We are creating memories known only to us. Secrets only we share. The further we go on this journey, the bond between us grows more powerful and intense. The "knowing" grows deeper. The love grows sweeter.” (Advice for Brides)

Sex has come up once or twice before here on POH, usually in the discussion of our marriage and priorities. And let’s face it—while intimacy in marriage is a wonderful, God-ordained thing, small children, physical ailments, school and life challenges cause conflict with our priorities! Please bear with me as I talk about two crucial issues in marital intimacy: communication and preparation.

Communication
Premarital counseling and books on the subject of marriage tell you that communication is essential to a healthy marriage, and to a healthy sex life. Of course that is true! You must talk to your spouse—you must tell him what is going on in your life, and you must inquire into the details of his life. Communication is especially crucial for your sex life. I cannot begin to tell you how awkward it can feel to talk about sex, even with your spouse, especially about, um, “details.” Yet, with God's grace, over time and through practice, the awkwardness can fade. For those who are newlywed, important topics include expectations (how often does sex occur, who initiates, etc) and reactions (what you like and don’t like). “Long-time” married couples should still talk about their expectations and reactions, knowing that things change over time.

Pregnancy affects your sex life and sex drive, and you have to work through that. When I was pregnant, my hormones ran on many highs and lows. That was both positive and negative for my desire for intimacy, and so I had to talk with my husband about it. Though my husband and I have been married for over a decade, and he knows me well, I had to tell him that I wanted to be pursued and romanced, even more early in the pregnancy, when I was tired and feeling sick. That conversation, and others like it, allowed us to grow closer to each other emotionally and physically, and helped us through what could have been a rough time.

Let me plead for compassion and gentleness in dealing with this topic. Men and women’s reactions can vary, and emotions run high. Strive to communicate exactly how you feel and what you are thinking, and pray for the Lord to give you clarity so your words are not misunderstood. Enter every conversation with humility, remembering that sex is a gift from God, for marriage and for his glory.

Dealing with problems in Marriage

My post today comes from some advice I received about a year and a half ago. I met with my pastor's wife one afternoon to talk about some problems I was having within my marriage. I had asked her ahead of time to be prepared to give me tough advice. I didn't want her empathize with me; I didn't want her to coddle me. I wanted her to be a straight-shooter with me. Well, she took the challenge! I walked out of our meeting with a conviction of sin, a clear plan of how to deal with it, and the confidence that she would be praying for me and checking in on me.

I won't really get into the specifics of the problems because I want to protect the intimacy of my marriage and the point is really that you can fill in the blank with any problems you may be experiencing in your own marriage.

When I met with Mary (name changed) I explained a little of what was going on. But I told her I wasn't looking for her to help me "fix" the problems - I wanted her to show me how *I* can change to make things better. Mary shared that my priority in life needs to be that my husband feels loved and respected. And the main way that's going to happen is for me to learn to hold my tongue and to put him before all other priorities/things. All the day-to-day decisions, efficiencies, projects, etc. will fade away and not matter in 20 years - but the way I treat my husband and make him feel day-to-day will affect him and affect our relationship for a lifetime.

Mary suggested I make 2 lists - one of the things I feel bother me about my husband and one of the things I appreciate about him. With the first, I need to decide how I am going to deal with my bad feelings as they come. With the second, I need to concentrate on building love for my husband through those, conscientiously praising him for them and using them to build him up.

These lists have really helped me. They allowed me to write down 4 specific things that were really bothering me in our marriage. Then I was forced to specifically answer how I would deal with my negative feelings when the situations arose. It helped me to have a concrete plan in my head for when those hard times came.  Also, wow, the second list helped me to see how much I appreciate my husband. I think I was so focused on the negative that I had forgotten about the positives. In my down times, I can focus on those 5 things and renew my spirit to love and respect my husband.

I challenge you to come up with your own lists. If you are having trouble with them, please feel free to email me at leah payne at hotmail dot com. I can share a little from my lists to jumpstart your thinking. But please accept my challenge and see if it helps you.

The best marriage advice given to me...

While a lot of people struggle the first year of marriage, Mark and I found that having children placed a lot more stress on our marriage than the craziness of our first few years together. I had been waiting my whole life to have a husband to love and serve and joyfully accepted the challenges that marriage threw my way. We were blessed to have a relatively easy and happy first year of marriage. However, once I had a baby, things changed. He was no longer the only person I was taking care of and it just wasn't the same. I was too exhausted to want to fix him a late night snack (with all the accompanying dishes) or attend his evening basketball game and hang out at a restaurant afterwards, or give him a massage at any hour of the night, or all those other fun things we did together when we were first married. We were both excited about the baby and he took it well and was a great help and never complained, but things were definitely not the same. And that is ok; there is no doubt in my mind that our precious children are worth it! But it just means that we have to work a lot harder on our marriage now than we did back then when it was just us.

So honestly, the best marriage advice I ever received actually sounds a lot like parenting advice because the two definitely go hand in hand: give the children an early bedtime! On a normal night, we try to have all the kids in bed by 7:00 so that we can have a good three hours to get ourselves organized for the next day and hang out together -- plenty of time to watch a movie together or have a date night or just chat on the couch. Usually Mark gets home sometime between 5:30 and 6:00 and we eat dinner together. Then the girls pick out a game to play with Daddy for about 20-30 minutes and then we start our bedtime routine of potty-time, pajamas, singing, Bible stories, memorizing Scripture, and prayers. And off they go to bed around 7:00. It may sound like they don't get to see him that long at night, but it is very focused, personal, quality time together -- he is not distracted by the TV, computer, cell phone, or anything else and they receive his full attention. They also get to play with him again in the morning between 8 and 9:30 before he goes to work. And he usually spends his day off with them, running my errands, taking them to story time at the library, and playing outside with them. But the evenings are for us to enjoy together.

Lest you think we are being too selfish, let me assure you that my girls actually normally sleep from 7pm to at least 7:30am and truly seem to need it. We definitely observe more grumpiness and meltdowns on the days following nights that we allow them to stay up late for one reason or another (grandparents visiting, social activity, etc). They also thrive on a routine and look forward to their Daddy playtime each evening and enjoy our bedtime ritual. On nights when we are out and about before bedtime and don't have time to do our entire routine, it is much harder to get them to bed without fussing and meltdowns. But if we stick to our routine, there is rarely a difficult evening.

Now I know that an early bedtime might not work for different families with vastly different work schedules, but my point is really to just make sure that you carve out some regular time with your spouse each day. The advice given to me was to give the children an early bedtime and it has really worked well for our family. But maybe instead of putting the kids to bed early and hanging out you might need to get up a little before them in the morning to have time together or plan regular lunch dates if your kids are up early for school. Feel free to comment and share about how you make time with your husband after having kids!

What I wish I had understood in high school....

One aspect of preparing for marriage that no one really wants to talk about is modesty. I thought that I understood the basics... My parents and I had many battles over the length of my skirts and shorts growing up! I was incredibly obedient and in fact overly modest until about 8th grade when a "cool" friend told me that I had great legs and I ought to roll up my skirt a bit to show them off. I had never even thought about it before, but that opened my eyes and began the lie in my heart that I needed to show a little skin in order to be beautiful. I was careful to cover up my cleavage and belly, but oh, did I try to get away with short skirts! I think back to what I tried to get away wearing in high school and I cringe in shame. It was pale compared to many girls in my school, but appalling by my current standards of modesty.

The truth is, I had been well instructed in modesty by my parents, but I never really understood the struggle that all men face so it was not a rule that I thought was important to follow.

I thought that all they had to do was look away if they felt tempted, just as I would look away if I saw a movie with something inappropriate in it. Not hard at all for me to do, so why should it be a big deal for them? In my mind, it was their problem, not mine. (And yes, I know how horrible that sounds; I'm just being honest. I have struggled with many sins over the years (obviously self-righteousness and pride included), but lust has never been one of them and I simply could not understand.)

By the time I met Mark, my standards had improved greatly because I knew the kind of guy I wanted to marry and I knew he wouldn't want a girl wearing short skirts! All my skirts were pretty close to my knees so I was greatly surprised (and incredibly mortified) one Sunday afternoon when he sat down and brought up this discussion. He told me that I was beautiful and that he loved to look at me but would I please make sure my legs were covered up during church because he found it hard to focus on God when I was sitting beside him with bare skin. Even though my skirts were almost to my knees, when I sat down, they rose up (of course). So that day I learned just a bit of the struggle that guys face and after getting married I understood more and more.

Disclaimer: This post is not at all about how long a skirt needs to be and I don't dress with skirts to my ankles even today. I happily dress for my husband and he helps me to know what he thinks is pretty and appropriate and what he likes to see me in around the house and out in public. What is most important is my heart's motive in dressing and I thank God that He used one of the most godly young men I had ever met to convict my heart.

I am writing this post because I am sure that there are many other young women who, like me, do not understand the battle that goes on in a man's mind. I recently saw the following video from CJ Mahaney and immediately knew that I should share it on here. Please watch it. Please watch the entire video. You might think you "get it" after the first minute, but as you continue to watch your understanding will deepen and your desire to serve your brothers will grow. It is worth your time. THIS ARTICLE by Mary Mohler is also a great resource, particularly if you are hoping to help your daughters understand modesty. And I recently listened to a great downloaded sermon from Dr. Pete Schimm from his Church's website. You have to scroll down to Sept. 4, 2011 to the one entitled "On Lust part 2." The entire sermon is good, but the conclusion is especially helpful when he directly addresses men, women, and teenagers practically. But if you don't have time to check out the other resources, please spend a few minutes watching this short video:

So you want to get married?

So you think you've found the one. The person you are going to marry. The one you want to wake up beside for the rest of your life. You have no doubts.

Or maybe you do. You love him, and you think he is the one, but you aren't completely sure. You love him, and want to marry him, but you haven't known him very long, so "of course" you can't possibly know if he's the one. Right? Or can you?

I am not going to make a big case for it here in this post, but I am not a fan of casual dating just for the sake of dating. Dating should be a deliberate and thoughtful time of getting to know the other person with the possibility of marriage. Dating should be always moving toward marriage. If you cannot marry the person you are dating, you should NOT be dating them.

In many cases, though, you think you could marry the person you are dating, but you are not certain. What do you do then? I would advise several things.
1. Bathe the entire process in prayer. Marriage is one of the most important decisions you will ever make, so do not take it lightly!
2. Talk to your friends,those around you who see you with the person you are dating, who have watched your courtship process, and who know you well. Ask them what they see in your life, and in the life of your significant other.
3. Ask your parents' opinion. They know you best and often know what is good for you, even if they are not believers.
4. Seek guidance and counsel from leaders in your church. Observe how your significant other is involved in the local church body, how they submit to leadership, and how they serve others. Ask the elders/pastoral staff in your church to help you evaluate the relationship.
5. If possible, sit under the mentorship of an older godly married couple who can walk with you through the dating/engagement/marriage process.
6. Read books about marriage. Study what the Scriptures say about marriage. Listen to sermons on marriage.

A great resource for singleness, dating and engagement is Capital Hill Baptist Church's Singleness and Courtship Seminar. You can download all of the handouts and outlines from their seminar, a large part of which deals with intentional dating/courtship relationships that move toward marriage.

Going back to Leah P's post that you will have problems when you are married,  Topics for Conversation When Considering Marriage from Desiring God is a great list of questions to work through with a potential mate. I do not think you have to have perfect agreement on every question, but simply working through the questions will allow you to get to know each other deeper, communicate better, and begin working on conflict resolution (or mediating differences in your background/upbringing, etc).

And, please, if any of our posts this month lead you toward engagement and marriage, let us know! And invite us to the wedding :-)

You're going to have problems...

When I asked Ed what advice he thought I should share about preparing for marriage, the first words out of his mouth were "Well, you're going to have problems..."! Oh, boy, I thought, this is going to be interesting!

When Ed and I were going through our premarital counseling, our pastor told us that the three main areas of conflict a married couple will face are Sex, Money & In-laws. We may have balked at the time, but over the past 8 years of marriage, I can agree that those are probably the three main sources of conflict that we have faced.

To a couple that is considering marriage, the idea that Sex would be a source of conflict is just laughable. I guarantee that every couple has said there's no way that sex would be a problem. But I can also guarantee that each of those couples has at one point or another experienced conflict about sex.

Money becomes a source of conflict because often times two people come into a marriage with differing opinions on saving, spending, giving, etc. A wife may have grown up in a household where money was handled differently than in the husband's house. Maybe one lived on hand-me-downs and the other always had new things. Maybe your parents shared a checking account and his had separate. All of this can often times lead to a third source of conflict, in-laws...

The way you were raised and how you relate to your parents has a huge impact on the way you live out your marriage. And that goes for whether you loved your childhood or hated it; whether you are really close with your parents or have a rocky relationship. All of your growing-up experiences influence your idea of the culture of marriage and can cause many speed bumps in your own marriage.

So as you consider the prospect of marriage, you and your partner definitely need to be aware of these areas of conflict. The more you get to know your potential mate, the more you will learn about their spending habits, their saving habits, their relationship with their parents, etc. BUT, and I mean that in all capital letters, B-U-T, no matter how much you discover and discuss ahead of time, just as my husband said, "you're going to have problems." The time you spend getting to know each other before marriage is just as much about how you and your partner deal with conflict as it is with what the specific conflict is.

Ed and I were friends for 5 years before we started dating. But we were married within a year of starting a dating relationship (with the first 6 months long distance). When we reflect on our shared history, we agree that perhaps we were married too soon. Even though we had a good foundation of friendship, our courting period wasn't long enough to allow us to experience conflict and work through it. We swept what conflict we had under the rug and pushed through to our wedding day. So when the conflict came in marriage, we were often disillusioned. We felt we had been duped by the other person ("he was so sweet when we were dating"; "she didn't have this kind of temper before we were married"). Had we allowed ourselves time to process through some of the conflict ahead of time, we could have been better equipped to deal with it within marriage.

We will both say that we have definitely had our ups and downs over the past eight years - and a lot of rocky ground in between. We have learned better how to face the big 3 (sex, money & in-laws) through lots of trial and error and many mistakes. Those were hard fought battles that have ultimately brought us closer as we've arrived on the same page.

My encouragement would be to go ahead and have a few fights! :) No, seriously, don't be afraid to face conflict within your courting period. It will allow you each to see how you handle the conflict and allow you time to process through how you can, as a couple, work through a problem.

Two things to consider...

When I began thinking about the topic of preparing for marriage, I immediately thought back to two different major conversations that Mark and I had when we were engaged.

The first conversation dealt with expectations, which any marriage counselor will tell you can be a big problem in marriage. I had read every marriage book I could get my hands on but was still not quite prepared for the one that would be the first big struggle for us. Mark was a youth pastor at a church and I began attending and helping out with his ministry once I graduated from college and moved to his town. I really enjoyed the kids and being a part of his ministry, but one night he asked me to talk with some girls about an issue that I wasn't really comfortable doing. It was definitely an issue that needed to be addressed by a girl (not by him!) and not an unreasonable request, but I was just beginning to have a relationship with these girls and didn't feel right in confronting so soon. He was pretty frustrated with me and it lead to some concern about whether I would be able/willing help to him in ministry the way he had hoped. (Note: he was not being mean at all but was just floored at my refusal and it made him think hard about what our ministry together might be like.) After some discussion, I finally looked at him and said, "I'm not going to try to convince you that I am going to be the perfect pastor's wife. I do want to help you in whatever way I can, but I'm sure I will disappoint you sometimes. What I need to know is whether you love me enough to want to marry me even if I cannot do everything you would like me to do." It was a tough conversation and he actually had to take a few days and really think about his expectations for his wife in ministry and how important they were to him. But it was a good revelation and I was glad that he thought it through before we got married rather than dealing with a major conflict after our wedding day. Obviously, he chose me over his expectations and it honestly hasn't been an issue since, but I thought that the discussion could apply to any area of life. Before you get married, you have to decide if the person is more important to you than your dreams and expectations. After you are married, you have to remind yourself that your spouse is more important than your expectations and choose to love even when disappointed.

The second conversation occurred when we were discussing some things that we had talked about during pre-marital counseling. He randomly looked at me and said, "I just want you to know that I will never divorce you. Even if you were to have an affair, I would choose to love you and try to reconcile our relationship." I was pretty shocked by his statement and initially almost appalled that he would bring up something so horrible that I had no intention of ever doing. But the more I thought about it, the more it meant to me. In my mind, having an affair was the most horrific thing I could do. If he would still choose to love me after such a terrible sin, then there was probably nothing I could do to ruin this upcoming marriage! It totally took any pressure off me to be the "perfect wife" and was ever so freeing! And it made me love him even more. That is indeed the depth of covenant that a marriage vow holds and it is wise to consider it before getting married.

Preparing for Marriage

Here at POH we don't often talk about singleness, because our focus is primarily on marriage and family, parenting and children. However, this month as we talk about marriage, we are going to talk about preparing for marriage before we discuss marital issues. Perhaps you are single and waiting for a spouse--perhaps you are in a dating relationship--perhaps you are married. I hope that something we write will be of interest to you and a blessing in your life. We would love to hear from you as well--feel free to comment here, or send an email!


Here are a few blog posts, websites, and books that I think are helpful in the stage of preparing for marriage. If you have never visited the site before, you should check out Boundless. They have many thoughtful articles on a variety of topics pertaining to Christian life and practice. I discovered Boundless after I was married, but I wish that I had read their articles on Dating & Courtship earlier in my life! One of the frequent contributors is Candice Watters, who makes a case for not delaying marriage. 

If you lack a vision for marriage, you're setting yourself up for lax sexual standards, relationships without momentum, and heartache. If you don't have a deliberate goal in mind — either single service or Christian marriage between two chaste believers — it's pretty easy to fall prey to sexual temptation. ~Candice Watters,  Thinking About Marriage

A few bad habits can sabotage a relationship; yet single women seem to miss this. Some hang out with a "buddy," content with mere friendship, never daring to require him to state his intentions. Others have pre-marital sex and don't understand why their "partner" has no momentum toward marriage. Most spend all their time with the same group, even after they've decided that no one in that group is a possible marriage partner.

These habits are pretty good for preventing weekend loneliness. But the very things singles do to avoid being alone on Saturday night may keep them alone for the rest of their lives. ~Candice Watters, Finding a Husband

In addition to the articles I quoted above, her post It's Good to Wait is a thoughtful approach to the waiting period of singleness.


Russell D. Moore from Southern Seminary addresses a sensitive topic with gospel clarity in his blog post, 
Should I marry a man with pornography struggles? Also, his article about when you should have a discussion about your sexual past with your significant other is very insightful:  Like, A Virgin? In fact, if I have never said this before, you should read anything you can by Russell Moore. He is thoughtful, pastoral, and gospel-centered, and his preaching and writings will challenge and convict you.


There are many books available that you COULD read before you get married...though most of them will not be helpful! Here are two books that I think would be of benefit to read as you prepare for marriage, though I am sure there are more:
Doing Things Right in Matters of the Heart
When Sinners Say I Do
Note: both of these books deal with more heart issues, not 'practical' issues like finances, sex, dealing with parents, etc. That's another discussion for another post!


What resources have you found to be helpful? How might we encourage you in preparing for marriage?

New Schedule!!

Hi friends! Just wanted to let you know that we have a new schedule for the spring here at Prayer of Hannah. Check out our Upcoming Topics page to learn more. Our topic for February will be Preparing for Marriage and Marriage Issues. Please take a chance to complete our survey on the right-hand side--it just gives us an idea of where you are, how we can pray, and how we can direct our blog 'conversation' over the next month. As always, we would love to hear suggestions from our readers about topics for discussion!

Link Love from Meg

We are hoping to get a schedule going and get back to having a topic each month, so please let us know if there is a topic you would like us to cover. But for now, I thought I'd share a few links that I've enjoyed over the past few weeks:

Masking Anger as Justice -- Very good article for parents! Showing anger (or frustration, annoyance, etc) will not produce righteousness in your children . . . even if all your anger is directed at sin. The wrath of man does not produce the righteousness of God

What I Would Feed My Family on a Monthly Budget of $250 (for a family of 5) and her next post on how to improve that even more and tips on doing it gluten free, buying from Farmer's market, using a co-op, etc

The Death of Pretty -- Praying that my girls can understand the difference someday...

9 Ways To Cut Food Waste (and save time)

Don't Carpe Diem -- I love her honesty -- parenting is hard work and there are definitely moments I do not enjoy -- but it is ever so worth it!

10 Dumbest Things To Eat -- Such a great list! If you want to make easy changes in your diet, cutting out these ten things would make a HUGE difference!

What You Should (and shouldn't) Say To Someone Who Has Lost A Baby -- some good tips

BPA-Free Buying Guide -- better sources of tomatoes, coconut milk, fish and other food you might need to buy canned

You Never Marry the Right Person -- ‎"Destructive to marriage is the self-fulfillment ethic that assumes marriage and the family are primarily institutions of personal fulfillment, necessary for us to become "whole" and happy..."

"... even if we first marry the right person, just give it a while and he or she will change. For marriage, being [the enormous thing it is] means we are not the same person after we have entered it. The primary challenge of marriage is learning how to love and care for the stranger to whom you find yourself married."

Michael Pollen's Least Favorite Foods -- I'm a big fan of Michael Pollen so this was interesting to me :)

What Every Dad Should Know About His Daughter -- simple article, but true and good to think about

10 Ways to Ensure Success When Removing Sugar From Your Diet

Godly Character Trait Printables -- I want to shrink these down to make into flashcards to incorporate into our homeschooling. And The Character Journal has a great extensive listing of each character trait with related songs, scripture verses, bible stories, projects and more for each character trait!

Favorite Winter Herbal Remedies -- Colds and Coughs, Stomach Viruses, and Headaches -- some great tips!

Stingy Out Gets Stingy In -- "... an example of this would be the mess in your house (I trust that you have one). When I focus on the mess, I am aggravated by the things that do not matter at the expense of the people who do. When I consciously refuse to be upset by the side product, I am free to enjoy the people who are messing it up. Giving my own work freely does not just make me a martyr."

Chick-Fil-A Daddy Date Night -- I'm not big on fast food, but a special night for Daddy and his girls with a princess cow and dancing is a pretty fun idea!