Great parenting tips and a plug for a marriage get-away

Since we are focusing on moms this month, I thought I would share some great parenting tips from a Mom who recently taught me a lot.  But before I do, I just have to put in a plug for Family Life's Weekend to Remember Marriage Getaways.  Mark and I just attended one last weekend, and it was amazing for us.  We didn't have any major problems in our marriage, but just knew we were exhausted and needed to get away and focus on each other and connect.   I was looking for something fun for us to do in Charlotte (I have to now admit that we chose Charlotte simply because it had the closest IKEA and I'd been wanting to go there for years :) and found the marriage get-a-way and thought it would be a great way to get us to focus on each other.  I mentioned it to Mark and he laughed in my face.  Sitting through a conference was definitely not what he wanted to do on our get-a-way!  So I dropped it.  I told him he could plan whatever he wanted for us.  And two weeks later he brought it up again and said we could do the marriage conference as long as we didn't have to go to every single session.  Ha!  We almost dropped the idea again because of the price, but Family Life people are super nice and will give scholarships based simply on "what you and your husband have decided you can afford."

Mark and I looked at the schedule and decided which sessions we would attend... some of the sessions sounded very redundant to information we had learned in Seminary so we decided to skip many of them.  We actually only made it to 4 out of 10 sessions but those 4 sessions were indeed invaluable to us.  I'm talking, life-changing, "I feel like we are courting again" type of impact!  (In retrospect, we probably would have learned much in the other sessions as well, but the 4 we attended gave us more than enough to process and work on.)  I expected to get a lot from the conference (being the relationship-oriented, emotional woman that I am), but I was amazed at how much it changed my husband as well.  He didn't even want to go to the conference originally, but has said many times since how glad he was that he went and how he wishes others that we know could go to one as well.

Sorry this has gotten to be such a long plug, but I felt like I really needed to share because it helped us so much.  Since this is a blog specifically for exhausted moms of little ones, I am certain that we are not the only ones who unknowingly settled into "companionship" mode without even realizing it.  We love our kids and the life that we enjoy with them and we truly get along great so we did not even realize that our marriage had become complacent.  Weekend To Remember is a wonderful tool to get the communication flowing in all areas of marriage and God greatly used it to recharge ours!

The wife and mother who spoke at the conference did one session on parenting and she told her top ten tips for kids.  I knew many of them already, but the session was a good reminder and listening to her tips helped me to think about what areas of parenting I need to work on.   It also helped me think more about the future of my kids and our goal in parenting. (I tend to get so caught up in the here and now of the little years that I often forget that we are doing such training so they can be independent but wise and godly teenagers.)  I hope these tips will be helpful to you as well:

1.  Set limits -- kids need limits and they find security in them.

2.  "We play to an audience on one."  This one was a particularly good reminder for me because I parent very differently than a lot of people I know and I need to stop worrying about what others are thinking about my parenting style.  What matters is that I am in prayer and doing what God has called me to do.  I raise my children for Him, not anyone else.

3.  My job is not to be my child's best friend!  She went on to say that friendship does come later and right now she is enjoying a sweet, sweet friendship with her teenage and college-age kids.  But the little years are for training and instructing in righteousness and much discipline.

4.  Because of all the boundaries and discipline that come with #3, try to say yes to as many things as you can so that when you do say no, it really means something.

5.  Give them the Biblical reasons behind the rules and limitations -- we do not just want good behavior, but to help them make good decisions in the future!

6.  When you take something away, give them something better -- she gave the example of beach week in the South, where kids always go to the beach and party like crazy for a week after school lets out.  They never let their kids attend beach week, but instead used that week to plan amazing family vacations.

7.  Stay calm and loving in discipline -- you don't want them to think you are disciplining simply because you are mad, but because you love them and are obeying God in training them in righteous living.

8.  The less you react in the moment, the more your kids will come to you with their moments.  If a child comes home and tells you something incredibly shocking that happened in school, if you get all upset and immediately call the principal, the child will probably not choose to confide in you the next time something disturbing happens.

9.  Focus on unconditional love -- when you discipline, tell them that you are disappointed, that they sinned, but that it does not change your love for them.

10.  Pray that they would get caught!  You will not be with them every moment and will not catch every sin, so pray that they will get caught before their sin grows so they can deal with it and learn from it.  (Sidenote:  my own mother did this and told us that she did and God definitely answered her prayer -- my brother and I never got away with anything!  :)

Marital Issues: Sex, pt. 2

Originally posted in August 2010 with minor editorial changes

Preparation

Watching for mood killers
Nathan and I have regular mood killers—their names are Georgia, Baxter, and Eleanor. These wonderful little humans, that our intimacy created, also can steal our joy in the most private of moments. However, they are not the only ones. Creating a comprehensive list of mood killers is impossible, but here are a few ideas of things that can kill your intimacy:
• SIN—it is the barrier between us and God, and it is often the barrier between us and other people. Marriage strips away our façade of perfection and self-righteousness. It shows us how selfish we really are, and that selfishness extends to sex.
• Exhaustion—Lives are busy, schedules are wild, we fight exhaustion. I have, you have—we all have. Enough said.
• Inappropriate conversations—this sounds crazy, but I don’t advise talking about money and the budget shortly before you head upstairs for some personal time. Just a tip from someone who knows—money kills the romantic buzz. Other possible 'bad' topics: disciplining your children, anything to do with the in-laws, your spouse's preference for video games:)
• Poor planning/timing—Don’t putter around in the kitchen until the absolute last minute, so that you enter your bedroom tired and in a bad mood (um, yes, I am talking to myself!). Don’t put off lovemaking until right before bed every time—you will often be too tired to enjoy those moments. Schedule romantic times with your husband (and sometimes allow these times to not end in sex).
• Overeating—this makes you sluggish, tired and sleepy. It doesn’t help the romance!


Working on mood “builders”
Ladies, we must realize that many of our husbands can have sex any time of day, at the drop of a hat. We must prepare our hearts to be ready to embrace those moments.
• Make sex a matter of prayer. Ask the Lord to bless your marriage—all aspects, including intimacy.
• Confess any sins that might be hampering you. Confess any fears, desires, or concerns that you have.
• Plan for intimacy. If your husband has dropped the hint, make sure you PICK IT UP! Get rest in the afternoon so you don’t collapse in the evening. Surprise him by wearing a nightie that he likes. Be waiting for him to get home if he arrives later in the evening (he’ll LOVE that).
• Think romantic, desirous thoughts toward your husband during the day. If possible, communicate that to him. I am not advocating dirty emails or texts, but tell your husband you are longing for him.
• Kiss him passionately before he leaves for work. Kisses are good for the romantic soul, even when they don’t lead directly to sex.
• Play romantic music. Read romantic poetry. Read the Song of Solomon, thinking of your spouse as you do! Please note: I do not recommend watching a romantic movie/show/soap opera to prepare you for intimacy with your husband. Your affections should be directed toward your spouse, not toward Edward Cullen/Derek McDreamy/Fitzwilliam Darcy. I am not saying that there is anything wrong with being a fan of these characters (I am a big Darcy fan, personally), but that is just what they are—characters! They are figments of the imagination, and when we dwell on them too long, our affections shift from our Lord and our spouse to an idol of the heart. Guard your heart against emotional adultery, even with fictional characters!
• Think of what would please your husband! Our husbands love it when we are eager, willing, and responsive.
• Add incentive if you like: Best use of a dollar.

What mood killers do you fight against in your marriage? What mood “builders” work for you? I would love to hear your feedback. I hope that my little posts on sex and the importance of marital intimacy has been encouraging, and that anything I say might point you to the Author of marriage, intimacy and romance, our Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ.

Marital Issues: Sex, pt. 1 1/2

Originally posted August 2010 with minor editorial changes

At the suggestion of a fellow POH writer, I put together these questions for couples to discuss about sex. If this conversation makes you uncomfortable, feel free to skip this post entirely. Please note that not all of these questions apply to all married couples, or to both parties in the marriage. If possible, I would recommend that you ask these questions while on a weekend getaway, or an "at home" date when your children are away. This is topic in which you do not want to be interrupted! I would love our readers' feedback on these--what other questions should we be asking?


Expectations:
• How often do you want to have sex?
• Do you want ‘advance notice’ or is a last minute request okay? (i.e., you plan all day for intimacy at night, or do you "spur of the moment" decide? PS-I think there is room for both!)
• Is there a particular time of day that you like making love?
• Will you make love while the children are awake, or will it be after they are asleep?
• How much time do you want to spend in foreplay?
• Who does the initiation? Husband, wife, or both?
• Are you going to say yes every time intimacy is suggested? If no, for what reasons would you say no?
• Does the wife need to wear lingerie every time?
• Lights on? Lights off? During daylight hours or no?
• Ladies especially: do you expect a romantic dinner by candlelight before sex?
• Do our expectations reflect Christ-honoring principles of not withholding ourselves from our spouse, and of wives submitting to their husbands?
• What can I do to romance and woo you more?
• What can I do to serve you and meet your needs, physically, emotionally, and romantically?

Reactions:
• What do you enjoy about sex?
• What don’t you enjoy?
• Fill in the blanks: I like it when you kiss my ____________
• I enjoy your touch on my ____________
• What turns you on and arouses you? (ask yourself this, and ask your spouse this!)
• Do you (the wife) expect to have an orgasm each time you make love?
• What will help you achieve an orgasm?
• Do you (the wife) enjoy wearing lingerie?
• Do you enjoy foreplay? Verbal foreplay or physical foreplay?
• Are there things you do not want to do? (oral sex is often a big ‘line’—I am not offering an opinion, but saying that such things should be discussed)
• Is there anything I do that kills the mood?
• Does our treatment of each other in sexual relations reflect our Christ-centered commitments to love others more than ourselves, to not withhold ourselves from our spouse, and to keep the marriage bed holy?
• How is our sex life affecting our marriage and family?
• What would make me a better lover?


For further reading, I highly recommend the series of posts, "Being Sexy for your Husband" found at Making Home blog. You can read the first post of the series here.

Marital Issues: Sex, pt. 1

Originally posted in August 2010 with minor editorial changes

I debated titling this post simply “Sex”, but then realized many internet filters might block it…and it might appear alarming on your Google reader or Bloglines! I hope that you will not find this post offensive, but instead a helpful discussion of the priority of marital intimacy.

This quote from Nicole Chesmore at the Girl Talk blog paints a wonderful picture of the marital relationship:  “[W]hile I share fellowship and labors, joys and trials with many others, sex is something I share only with my husband. It’s our own little world, closed to all. Not even the dearest friend or family member can enter. We are on a journey, the two of us. An exclusive journey. A journey of love. We are creating memories known only to us. Secrets only we share. The further we go on this journey, the bond between us grows more powerful and intense. The "knowing" grows deeper. The love grows sweeter.” (Advice for Brides)

Sex has come up once or twice before here on POH, usually in the discussion of our marriage and priorities. And let’s face it—while intimacy in marriage is a wonderful, God-ordained thing, small children, physical ailments, school and life challenges cause conflict with our priorities! Please bear with me as I talk about two crucial issues in marital intimacy: communication and preparation.

Communication
Premarital counseling and books on the subject of marriage tell you that communication is essential to a healthy marriage, and to a healthy sex life. Of course that is true! You must talk to your spouse—you must tell him what is going on in your life, and you must inquire into the details of his life. Communication is especially crucial for your sex life. I cannot begin to tell you how awkward it can feel to talk about sex, even with your spouse, especially about, um, “details.” Yet, with God's grace, over time and through practice, the awkwardness can fade. For those who are newlywed, important topics include expectations (how often does sex occur, who initiates, etc) and reactions (what you like and don’t like). “Long-time” married couples should still talk about their expectations and reactions, knowing that things change over time.

Pregnancy affects your sex life and sex drive, and you have to work through that. When I was pregnant, my hormones ran on many highs and lows. That was both positive and negative for my desire for intimacy, and so I had to talk with my husband about it. Though my husband and I have been married for over a decade, and he knows me well, I had to tell him that I wanted to be pursued and romanced, even more early in the pregnancy, when I was tired and feeling sick. That conversation, and others like it, allowed us to grow closer to each other emotionally and physically, and helped us through what could have been a rough time.

Let me plead for compassion and gentleness in dealing with this topic. Men and women’s reactions can vary, and emotions run high. Strive to communicate exactly how you feel and what you are thinking, and pray for the Lord to give you clarity so your words are not misunderstood. Enter every conversation with humility, remembering that sex is a gift from God, for marriage and for his glory.

Dealing with problems in Marriage

My post today comes from some advice I received about a year and a half ago. I met with my pastor's wife one afternoon to talk about some problems I was having within my marriage. I had asked her ahead of time to be prepared to give me tough advice. I didn't want her empathize with me; I didn't want her to coddle me. I wanted her to be a straight-shooter with me. Well, she took the challenge! I walked out of our meeting with a conviction of sin, a clear plan of how to deal with it, and the confidence that she would be praying for me and checking in on me.

I won't really get into the specifics of the problems because I want to protect the intimacy of my marriage and the point is really that you can fill in the blank with any problems you may be experiencing in your own marriage.

When I met with Mary (name changed) I explained a little of what was going on. But I told her I wasn't looking for her to help me "fix" the problems - I wanted her to show me how *I* can change to make things better. Mary shared that my priority in life needs to be that my husband feels loved and respected. And the main way that's going to happen is for me to learn to hold my tongue and to put him before all other priorities/things. All the day-to-day decisions, efficiencies, projects, etc. will fade away and not matter in 20 years - but the way I treat my husband and make him feel day-to-day will affect him and affect our relationship for a lifetime.

Mary suggested I make 2 lists - one of the things I feel bother me about my husband and one of the things I appreciate about him. With the first, I need to decide how I am going to deal with my bad feelings as they come. With the second, I need to concentrate on building love for my husband through those, conscientiously praising him for them and using them to build him up.

These lists have really helped me. They allowed me to write down 4 specific things that were really bothering me in our marriage. Then I was forced to specifically answer how I would deal with my negative feelings when the situations arose. It helped me to have a concrete plan in my head for when those hard times came.  Also, wow, the second list helped me to see how much I appreciate my husband. I think I was so focused on the negative that I had forgotten about the positives. In my down times, I can focus on those 5 things and renew my spirit to love and respect my husband.

I challenge you to come up with your own lists. If you are having trouble with them, please feel free to email me at leah payne at hotmail dot com. I can share a little from my lists to jumpstart your thinking. But please accept my challenge and see if it helps you.

The best marriage advice given to me...

While a lot of people struggle the first year of marriage, Mark and I found that having children placed a lot more stress on our marriage than the craziness of our first few years together. I had been waiting my whole life to have a husband to love and serve and joyfully accepted the challenges that marriage threw my way. We were blessed to have a relatively easy and happy first year of marriage. However, once I had a baby, things changed. He was no longer the only person I was taking care of and it just wasn't the same. I was too exhausted to want to fix him a late night snack (with all the accompanying dishes) or attend his evening basketball game and hang out at a restaurant afterwards, or give him a massage at any hour of the night, or all those other fun things we did together when we were first married. We were both excited about the baby and he took it well and was a great help and never complained, but things were definitely not the same. And that is ok; there is no doubt in my mind that our precious children are worth it! But it just means that we have to work a lot harder on our marriage now than we did back then when it was just us.

So honestly, the best marriage advice I ever received actually sounds a lot like parenting advice because the two definitely go hand in hand: give the children an early bedtime! On a normal night, we try to have all the kids in bed by 7:00 so that we can have a good three hours to get ourselves organized for the next day and hang out together -- plenty of time to watch a movie together or have a date night or just chat on the couch. Usually Mark gets home sometime between 5:30 and 6:00 and we eat dinner together. Then the girls pick out a game to play with Daddy for about 20-30 minutes and then we start our bedtime routine of potty-time, pajamas, singing, Bible stories, memorizing Scripture, and prayers. And off they go to bed around 7:00. It may sound like they don't get to see him that long at night, but it is very focused, personal, quality time together -- he is not distracted by the TV, computer, cell phone, or anything else and they receive his full attention. They also get to play with him again in the morning between 8 and 9:30 before he goes to work. And he usually spends his day off with them, running my errands, taking them to story time at the library, and playing outside with them. But the evenings are for us to enjoy together.

Lest you think we are being too selfish, let me assure you that my girls actually normally sleep from 7pm to at least 7:30am and truly seem to need it. We definitely observe more grumpiness and meltdowns on the days following nights that we allow them to stay up late for one reason or another (grandparents visiting, social activity, etc). They also thrive on a routine and look forward to their Daddy playtime each evening and enjoy our bedtime ritual. On nights when we are out and about before bedtime and don't have time to do our entire routine, it is much harder to get them to bed without fussing and meltdowns. But if we stick to our routine, there is rarely a difficult evening.

Now I know that an early bedtime might not work for different families with vastly different work schedules, but my point is really to just make sure that you carve out some regular time with your spouse each day. The advice given to me was to give the children an early bedtime and it has really worked well for our family. But maybe instead of putting the kids to bed early and hanging out you might need to get up a little before them in the morning to have time together or plan regular lunch dates if your kids are up early for school. Feel free to comment and share about how you make time with your husband after having kids!

What I wish I had understood in high school....

One aspect of preparing for marriage that no one really wants to talk about is modesty. I thought that I understood the basics... My parents and I had many battles over the length of my skirts and shorts growing up! I was incredibly obedient and in fact overly modest until about 8th grade when a "cool" friend told me that I had great legs and I ought to roll up my skirt a bit to show them off. I had never even thought about it before, but that opened my eyes and began the lie in my heart that I needed to show a little skin in order to be beautiful. I was careful to cover up my cleavage and belly, but oh, did I try to get away with short skirts! I think back to what I tried to get away wearing in high school and I cringe in shame. It was pale compared to many girls in my school, but appalling by my current standards of modesty.

The truth is, I had been well instructed in modesty by my parents, but I never really understood the struggle that all men face so it was not a rule that I thought was important to follow.

I thought that all they had to do was look away if they felt tempted, just as I would look away if I saw a movie with something inappropriate in it. Not hard at all for me to do, so why should it be a big deal for them? In my mind, it was their problem, not mine. (And yes, I know how horrible that sounds; I'm just being honest. I have struggled with many sins over the years (obviously self-righteousness and pride included), but lust has never been one of them and I simply could not understand.)

By the time I met Mark, my standards had improved greatly because I knew the kind of guy I wanted to marry and I knew he wouldn't want a girl wearing short skirts! All my skirts were pretty close to my knees so I was greatly surprised (and incredibly mortified) one Sunday afternoon when he sat down and brought up this discussion. He told me that I was beautiful and that he loved to look at me but would I please make sure my legs were covered up during church because he found it hard to focus on God when I was sitting beside him with bare skin. Even though my skirts were almost to my knees, when I sat down, they rose up (of course). So that day I learned just a bit of the struggle that guys face and after getting married I understood more and more.

Disclaimer: This post is not at all about how long a skirt needs to be and I don't dress with skirts to my ankles even today. I happily dress for my husband and he helps me to know what he thinks is pretty and appropriate and what he likes to see me in around the house and out in public. What is most important is my heart's motive in dressing and I thank God that He used one of the most godly young men I had ever met to convict my heart.

I am writing this post because I am sure that there are many other young women who, like me, do not understand the battle that goes on in a man's mind. I recently saw the following video from CJ Mahaney and immediately knew that I should share it on here. Please watch it. Please watch the entire video. You might think you "get it" after the first minute, but as you continue to watch your understanding will deepen and your desire to serve your brothers will grow. It is worth your time. THIS ARTICLE by Mary Mohler is also a great resource, particularly if you are hoping to help your daughters understand modesty. And I recently listened to a great downloaded sermon from Dr. Pete Schimm from his Church's website. You have to scroll down to Sept. 4, 2011 to the one entitled "On Lust part 2." The entire sermon is good, but the conclusion is especially helpful when he directly addresses men, women, and teenagers practically. But if you don't have time to check out the other resources, please spend a few minutes watching this short video:

So you want to get married?

So you think you've found the one. The person you are going to marry. The one you want to wake up beside for the rest of your life. You have no doubts.

Or maybe you do. You love him, and you think he is the one, but you aren't completely sure. You love him, and want to marry him, but you haven't known him very long, so "of course" you can't possibly know if he's the one. Right? Or can you?

I am not going to make a big case for it here in this post, but I am not a fan of casual dating just for the sake of dating. Dating should be a deliberate and thoughtful time of getting to know the other person with the possibility of marriage. Dating should be always moving toward marriage. If you cannot marry the person you are dating, you should NOT be dating them.

In many cases, though, you think you could marry the person you are dating, but you are not certain. What do you do then? I would advise several things.
1. Bathe the entire process in prayer. Marriage is one of the most important decisions you will ever make, so do not take it lightly!
2. Talk to your friends,those around you who see you with the person you are dating, who have watched your courtship process, and who know you well. Ask them what they see in your life, and in the life of your significant other.
3. Ask your parents' opinion. They know you best and often know what is good for you, even if they are not believers.
4. Seek guidance and counsel from leaders in your church. Observe how your significant other is involved in the local church body, how they submit to leadership, and how they serve others. Ask the elders/pastoral staff in your church to help you evaluate the relationship.
5. If possible, sit under the mentorship of an older godly married couple who can walk with you through the dating/engagement/marriage process.
6. Read books about marriage. Study what the Scriptures say about marriage. Listen to sermons on marriage.

A great resource for singleness, dating and engagement is Capital Hill Baptist Church's Singleness and Courtship Seminar. You can download all of the handouts and outlines from their seminar, a large part of which deals with intentional dating/courtship relationships that move toward marriage.

Going back to Leah P's post that you will have problems when you are married,  Topics for Conversation When Considering Marriage from Desiring God is a great list of questions to work through with a potential mate. I do not think you have to have perfect agreement on every question, but simply working through the questions will allow you to get to know each other deeper, communicate better, and begin working on conflict resolution (or mediating differences in your background/upbringing, etc).

And, please, if any of our posts this month lead you toward engagement and marriage, let us know! And invite us to the wedding :-)

You're going to have problems...

When I asked Ed what advice he thought I should share about preparing for marriage, the first words out of his mouth were "Well, you're going to have problems..."! Oh, boy, I thought, this is going to be interesting!

When Ed and I were going through our premarital counseling, our pastor told us that the three main areas of conflict a married couple will face are Sex, Money & In-laws. We may have balked at the time, but over the past 8 years of marriage, I can agree that those are probably the three main sources of conflict that we have faced.

To a couple that is considering marriage, the idea that Sex would be a source of conflict is just laughable. I guarantee that every couple has said there's no way that sex would be a problem. But I can also guarantee that each of those couples has at one point or another experienced conflict about sex.

Money becomes a source of conflict because often times two people come into a marriage with differing opinions on saving, spending, giving, etc. A wife may have grown up in a household where money was handled differently than in the husband's house. Maybe one lived on hand-me-downs and the other always had new things. Maybe your parents shared a checking account and his had separate. All of this can often times lead to a third source of conflict, in-laws...

The way you were raised and how you relate to your parents has a huge impact on the way you live out your marriage. And that goes for whether you loved your childhood or hated it; whether you are really close with your parents or have a rocky relationship. All of your growing-up experiences influence your idea of the culture of marriage and can cause many speed bumps in your own marriage.

So as you consider the prospect of marriage, you and your partner definitely need to be aware of these areas of conflict. The more you get to know your potential mate, the more you will learn about their spending habits, their saving habits, their relationship with their parents, etc. BUT, and I mean that in all capital letters, B-U-T, no matter how much you discover and discuss ahead of time, just as my husband said, "you're going to have problems." The time you spend getting to know each other before marriage is just as much about how you and your partner deal with conflict as it is with what the specific conflict is.

Ed and I were friends for 5 years before we started dating. But we were married within a year of starting a dating relationship (with the first 6 months long distance). When we reflect on our shared history, we agree that perhaps we were married too soon. Even though we had a good foundation of friendship, our courting period wasn't long enough to allow us to experience conflict and work through it. We swept what conflict we had under the rug and pushed through to our wedding day. So when the conflict came in marriage, we were often disillusioned. We felt we had been duped by the other person ("he was so sweet when we were dating"; "she didn't have this kind of temper before we were married"). Had we allowed ourselves time to process through some of the conflict ahead of time, we could have been better equipped to deal with it within marriage.

We will both say that we have definitely had our ups and downs over the past eight years - and a lot of rocky ground in between. We have learned better how to face the big 3 (sex, money & in-laws) through lots of trial and error and many mistakes. Those were hard fought battles that have ultimately brought us closer as we've arrived on the same page.

My encouragement would be to go ahead and have a few fights! :) No, seriously, don't be afraid to face conflict within your courting period. It will allow you each to see how you handle the conflict and allow you time to process through how you can, as a couple, work through a problem.

Two things to consider...

When I began thinking about the topic of preparing for marriage, I immediately thought back to two different major conversations that Mark and I had when we were engaged.

The first conversation dealt with expectations, which any marriage counselor will tell you can be a big problem in marriage. I had read every marriage book I could get my hands on but was still not quite prepared for the one that would be the first big struggle for us. Mark was a youth pastor at a church and I began attending and helping out with his ministry once I graduated from college and moved to his town. I really enjoyed the kids and being a part of his ministry, but one night he asked me to talk with some girls about an issue that I wasn't really comfortable doing. It was definitely an issue that needed to be addressed by a girl (not by him!) and not an unreasonable request, but I was just beginning to have a relationship with these girls and didn't feel right in confronting so soon. He was pretty frustrated with me and it lead to some concern about whether I would be able/willing help to him in ministry the way he had hoped. (Note: he was not being mean at all but was just floored at my refusal and it made him think hard about what our ministry together might be like.) After some discussion, I finally looked at him and said, "I'm not going to try to convince you that I am going to be the perfect pastor's wife. I do want to help you in whatever way I can, but I'm sure I will disappoint you sometimes. What I need to know is whether you love me enough to want to marry me even if I cannot do everything you would like me to do." It was a tough conversation and he actually had to take a few days and really think about his expectations for his wife in ministry and how important they were to him. But it was a good revelation and I was glad that he thought it through before we got married rather than dealing with a major conflict after our wedding day. Obviously, he chose me over his expectations and it honestly hasn't been an issue since, but I thought that the discussion could apply to any area of life. Before you get married, you have to decide if the person is more important to you than your dreams and expectations. After you are married, you have to remind yourself that your spouse is more important than your expectations and choose to love even when disappointed.

The second conversation occurred when we were discussing some things that we had talked about during pre-marital counseling. He randomly looked at me and said, "I just want you to know that I will never divorce you. Even if you were to have an affair, I would choose to love you and try to reconcile our relationship." I was pretty shocked by his statement and initially almost appalled that he would bring up something so horrible that I had no intention of ever doing. But the more I thought about it, the more it meant to me. In my mind, having an affair was the most horrific thing I could do. If he would still choose to love me after such a terrible sin, then there was probably nothing I could do to ruin this upcoming marriage! It totally took any pressure off me to be the "perfect wife" and was ever so freeing! And it made me love him even more. That is indeed the depth of covenant that a marriage vow holds and it is wise to consider it before getting married.

Preparing for Marriage

Here at POH we don't often talk about singleness, because our focus is primarily on marriage and family, parenting and children. However, this month as we talk about marriage, we are going to talk about preparing for marriage before we discuss marital issues. Perhaps you are single and waiting for a spouse--perhaps you are in a dating relationship--perhaps you are married. I hope that something we write will be of interest to you and a blessing in your life. We would love to hear from you as well--feel free to comment here, or send an email!


Here are a few blog posts, websites, and books that I think are helpful in the stage of preparing for marriage. If you have never visited the site before, you should check out Boundless. They have many thoughtful articles on a variety of topics pertaining to Christian life and practice. I discovered Boundless after I was married, but I wish that I had read their articles on Dating & Courtship earlier in my life! One of the frequent contributors is Candice Watters, who makes a case for not delaying marriage. 

If you lack a vision for marriage, you're setting yourself up for lax sexual standards, relationships without momentum, and heartache. If you don't have a deliberate goal in mind — either single service or Christian marriage between two chaste believers — it's pretty easy to fall prey to sexual temptation. ~Candice Watters,  Thinking About Marriage

A few bad habits can sabotage a relationship; yet single women seem to miss this. Some hang out with a "buddy," content with mere friendship, never daring to require him to state his intentions. Others have pre-marital sex and don't understand why their "partner" has no momentum toward marriage. Most spend all their time with the same group, even after they've decided that no one in that group is a possible marriage partner.

These habits are pretty good for preventing weekend loneliness. But the very things singles do to avoid being alone on Saturday night may keep them alone for the rest of their lives. ~Candice Watters, Finding a Husband

In addition to the articles I quoted above, her post It's Good to Wait is a thoughtful approach to the waiting period of singleness.


Russell D. Moore from Southern Seminary addresses a sensitive topic with gospel clarity in his blog post, 
Should I marry a man with pornography struggles? Also, his article about when you should have a discussion about your sexual past with your significant other is very insightful:  Like, A Virgin? In fact, if I have never said this before, you should read anything you can by Russell Moore. He is thoughtful, pastoral, and gospel-centered, and his preaching and writings will challenge and convict you.


There are many books available that you COULD read before you get married...though most of them will not be helpful! Here are two books that I think would be of benefit to read as you prepare for marriage, though I am sure there are more:
Doing Things Right in Matters of the Heart
When Sinners Say I Do
Note: both of these books deal with more heart issues, not 'practical' issues like finances, sex, dealing with parents, etc. That's another discussion for another post!


What resources have you found to be helpful? How might we encourage you in preparing for marriage?

Communicating with our Husbands

My specific topic today deals with how much we should be sharing with our husbands. And this is probably just as much a question that I want to turn over to the readers as it is my opinion on the topic.

How much do you share with your husband? What do you do if a friend reveals intimate things to you - about herself or about her marriage? What about things going on with you personally? Do you tell him all the different things that go through your head throughout the day? Do you share areas of struggle with him? What if they involve him?

First, if a friend shares personal things with you, do you share them with your husband? I had a friend share with me that she really struggles with anger. She loses her temper at home with her kids. She shared this with me and asked me to pray for her as well as to share some ideas with her about how she could deal with her anger. Do I tell my husband about our conversation? I guess I step back and ask myself, "how would this knowledge affect my husband?"

A harder example: My friend tells me that she is worried about a relationship her husband is having with a co-worker. She shared this with me because she was really upset and feeling defeated. She poured her heart out to me. Our families are friends and our husbands interact. Do I share this secret with my husband? Did my friend tell me in confidence or did she know that I would tell my husband?

I have tried to find wisdom from the Bible on this subject. Here's where I keep coming back -

Proverbs 11:13 A gossip betrays a confidence, but a trustworthy person keeps a secret. (NIV)

I don't think by telling your husband you are being a "gossip", but perhaps the second half of the proverb instructs us to be trustworthy and keep the secret. I asked my husband his opinion, and he said that he would rather not know these details about our friends lives if they didn't come to him directly.

Does it complicate the question if your husband is a pastor/elder? And what about communication the other way? Does your husband keep these types of confidences from you? Perhaps the wisest idea would be to settle these issues with your husbands beforehand. Talk with your husband and discuss what is appropriate to share between you and what you will keep in confidence from each other.

The second half of my questions has to deal with personal, private issues. How much do you reveal about yourself to your husband vs. how much do you filter to protect him and your marriage from unnecessary insecurity?

My first reaction is to say that husband and wife should share all things with each other. But is this the wisest course of action? Or even practical? I say that a personal filter can be helpful in your marriage. For example, let's say I find myself feeling attracted to another man. I need to deal with that between myself and God. Telling my husband may cause him to feel insecure. But what if it gets to a point where spending time with that family is causing problems for me to have victory over that sin? I need to step up and confess that sin to my husband so he can help me in it.

And what about areas that directly involve your husband? I often struggle with anger and disappointment towards my husband when I feel like he doesn't meet my expectations. (I will insert here that the problem is my attitude, not my husband "falling short.") In the past I've tried to share this with my husband because I thought I should be honest with him about how I felt. But there is a difference between communicating expectations and sharing your feelings of anger and disappointment. My confession of feelings caused a lot of insecurity in my husband. I was not building him up at all. I am learning to take things to the Lord and ask Him to refine me so that I can speak love and encouragement into my husband's life. There is a filter there to protect our marriage - definitely not a filter between me and God b/c I need to lay it all at his feet, but a filter in how much I am confessing to my husband.

Please share your feedback on this topic. I feel like I really asked more questions than I answered. And I feel like there could be a lot more biblical wisdom shed on this topic. I'd love to hear your reactions and thoughts. I am not dead set on any of the opinions I gave here, so please feel free to disagree...just so long as you give your reason why and a thoughtful rebuttal.

Principles for Biblical Submission (links)

I came across these two blog posts in my Google Reader today and wanted to share them with our POH readers. The ladies at Girltalk discussed Submission in Real Life--what it really looks like to submit. They also gave some helpful advice about situations when the spouses disagree in Time of Day.

What are your thoughts? How does submission play out in your marriage and home?

Making time for dates!

One of my awesome friends, Lauren, decided to take the 52 dates challenge and has done an amazing job blogging about it and sharing great date ideas! She she has a young baby and a three year old and is still managing to make time for her husband -- such an inspiration to me! I asked her to share a little about her experience, as well as some links for creative date ideas. I hope her ideas will inspire you as they did me to make more time for my husband!

Quality time with my husband? Let me think… I think we were in the same room last night when we were bathing the kids. We definitely ate dinner at the same time on Thursday night, but I'm not sure that counts since I had to get up to put our toddler in time out, and my husband was bouncing our youngest baby in his arms. Nah, that probably isn't considered quality time.

These were my thoughts back in May of this year. Do they sound familiar? We needed to regroup. We needed quality time. Conversations in the car over the clamor of kids praise songs and toddler chatter were not enough. We needed to date again.

I scoured the internet for ideas, took a few from here, there, and everywhere, and combined them for a 52 date challenge. I excitedly pitched the idea to my husband who was a little overwhelmed at first, but then readily agreed to the challenge. I called it a challenge, because, well, when you are busy and have young children, dating is a challenge (Oh, what did we do with all of that free time before our children?)! You can read the guidelines we created here.

So far, we've been on 17 dates, and we are having the best time doing it! It has really helped our marriage grow. Marriage can be hard, and while I adore my sweet girls, having young children definitely complicates things. I sometimes refer to our household as "happy chaos." That being said, we realized that we really needed to take time out for just us again. And I encourage you to do the same thing. Satan is scary-smart and he hates marriage… he wants you to be too busy to spend time with your man. So, you have to take charge and make time.

It has made a huge difference in our lives. We have found that we really look forward to date nights. We spend a lot more time talking, laughing, and loving without all of the distractions and demands of crazy young life. We've done cheap dates, not-so-cheap dates, outdoor dates, and indoor dates. We've had laid-back nights and fun nights. And we've also failed… we've had plans fall through, sick kids, and babysitter cancellations. We have had to be creative… and sometimes have a date at home! But, the important thing is that we have tried to make dating, and quality time, a priority. And we've had a lot of fun doing it! I can't wait to finish our challenge…and hopefully start all over again next year!

I hope you try a weekly date, even if its just an evening without distractions after you tuck the kiddos in bed. What can you lose? You know that pile of laundry will still be there tomorrow (although it would be nice if it disappeared!), the dishes will wait, and no lives are hanging in the balance if you don't update your Facebook status tonight. Your darling babies will enjoy a sitter (or grandma!) for an evening. Turn off the computer, kiss your babies goodnight, and quit answering the phone. Take up the challenge. Ask your hubby out on a date…and have fun living, laughing, and loving together again.

Project 52

The one word that comes to mind when I think about ministering to my husband is intentionality! You have to be intentional about doing it.

It doesn't always come easy! Things don't always go as planned. Sometimes there are times where you wish you were the one being ministered to. It sometimes takes pure intention!

Last April, I stumbled upon an idea on a blog that I instantly fell in love with! It had a "Julie & Julia" twist of doing something for an entire year but instead of doing it every day, you do it once a week. So the title of "Project 52" was created. The project is something I thought would be great to do in our home because like this "Simply Modern Mom" (the creator of the project), it is something that easily gets neglected with the busyness of life!

Project 52 is all about creating date nights in your marriage! Nights to get to know your spouse better, create memories, learn and try new things, be creative and have some fun. We are at the 6 year marriage mark and although we are more in love today than the day we met, we definitely neglect consistent date nights. We use many excuses and don't even realize it--kids, we don’t want to pay for a babysitter every week, too busy, finances don't allow multiple or big date nights out, plan other things on the calendar, put others before ourselves, and the excuses go on.

I was determined to be intentional and change the way we had intimate time together as a couple. And so when I saw this, I had a "ah-ha" moment of this is something we should do that would be fun, different, and create special time each week for just the two of us. Each week I plan a date night usually around a theme.

On the first week (we are now on week 24), I sent Andy a gift basket to his work (You can read about that here) to introduce him to the idea with the following:

Project 52

The following criteria was created for our weekly date night--
1. Date nights will typically be home-based fun and will cost less than $5 or fall into categories already established in the general budget
2. We can't do the same thing twice in one month
3. Date nights can be planned by either person
4. No children allowed (if applicable)
5. Must create a date like atmosphere. No frumpy clothes or pajamas unless otherwise stated that they are acceptable for the particular evening activities. Make it a special event. Mind the details. But most of all, keep it simple.
6. Date nights cannot be cancelled unless an emergency inhibits the night from occurring. Nights can be switched if needed.

Simply Modern Mom and her husband signed on to the project together and split planning the date nights. I decided to make it something I would do to minister to my husband and I would plan the weekly dates. Andy does plan one every so often and loves showing me how much he loves this as well. Each week, I try (I have missed a few) to blog about it and link our date nights up to Simply Modern Mom! Other couples link their date nights too and it is a great way to get ideas for future date nights!

What has "Project 52" done for our marriage? WOW! I can't even begin to tell you how much we love this night and look forward to it every week! It has created a whole new level of intimacy, a new level on the way we communicate, a new level of enjoying one another's company.

You can read the majority of our date nights on our family blog, http://www.apkweber.blogspot.com/. The direct link for the "Project 52" date nights can be found here. Be sure to scroll back to the oldest post first to read them in order.

Here's a little view of "Weber Style Project 52 Date Nights":

Things Couples Do, pt. 2 (Preparation)

In case you haven't read them, here is Part 1 and Part 1.2 of my series on (shh, don't tell) sex!

Preparation

Watching for mood killers
Nathan and I have regular mood killers—their names are Georgia and Baxter. These wonderful little humans, that our intimacy created, also can steal our joy in the most private of moments. However, they are not the only ones. There is never a comprehensive list, but here are a few ideas of things that can kill your intimacy:
• SIN—it is the barrier between us and God, and it is often the barrier between us and other people. Marriage strips away our façade of perfection and self-righteousness. It shows us how selfish we really are, and that selfishness extends to sex.
• Exhaustion—Lives are busy, schedules are wild, we fight exhaustion. I have, you have—we all have. Enough said.
• Inappropriate conversations—this sounds crazy, but I don’t advise talking about money and the budget shortly before you head upstairs for some personal time. Just a tip from someone who knows—money kills the romantic buzz. Other possible 'bad' topics: disciplining your children, anything to do with the in-laws, your spouse's preference for video games:)
• Poor planning/timing—Don’t putter around in the kitchen until the absolute last minute, so that you enter your bedroom tired and in a bad mood (um, yes, I am talking to myself!). Don’t put off lovemaking until right before bed every time—you will often be too tired to enjoy those moments. Schedule romantic times with your husband (and sometimes allow these times to not end in sex).
• Overeating—this makes you sluggish, tired and sleepy. It doesn’t help the romance!


Working on mood “builders”
Ladies, we must realize that many of our husbands can have sex any time of day, at the drop of a hat. We must prepare our hearts to be ready to embrace those moments.
• Make sex a matter of prayer. Ask the Lord to bless your marriage—all aspects, including intimacy.
• Confess any sins that might be hampering you. Confess any fears, desires, or concerns that you have.
• Plan for intimacy. If your husband has dropped the hint, make sure you PICK IT UP! Get rest in the afternoon so you don’t collapse in the evening. Surprise him by wearing a nightie that he likes. Be waiting for him to get home if he arrives later in the evening (he’ll LOVE that).
• Think romantic, desirous thoughts toward your husband during the day. If possible, communicate that to him. I am not advocating dirty emails or texts, but tell your husband you are longing for him.
• Kiss him passionately before he leaves for work. Kisses are good for the romantic soul, even when they don’t lead directly to sex.
• Play romantic music. Read romantic poetry. Read the Song of Solomon, thinking of your spouse as you do! Please note: I do not recommend watching a romantic movie/show/soap opera to prepare you for intimacy with your husband. Your affections should be directed toward your spouse, not toward Edward Cullen/Derek McDreamy/Fitzwilliam Darcy. I am not saying that there is anything wrong with being a fan of these characters (I am a big Darcy fan, personally), but that is just what they are—characters! They are figments of the imagination, and when we dwell on them too long, our affections shift from our Lord and our spouse to an idol of the heart. Guard your heart against emotional adultery, even with fictional characters!
• Think of what would please your husband! Our husbands love it when we are eager, willing, and responsive.
• Add incentive if you like: Best use of a dollar.

What mood killers do you fight against in your marriage? What mood “builders” work for you? I would love to hear your feedback. I hope that my short series on the importance of marital intimacy has been encouraging, and that anything I say might point you to the Author of marriage, intimacy and romance, our Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ.

Things Couples Do, pt. 1.2 (Communication)

Please see the first part of this discussion here.

At the request of fellow POH author and the wonderfully named Leah, I have put together some questions for couples to discuss about their expectations and reactions regarding sex. If this conversation makes you uncomfortable, feel free to skip this post entirely. Please note that not all of these questions apply to all married couples, or to both parties in the marriage. If possible, I would recommend that you ask these questions while on a weekend getaway, or an "at home" date when your children are away. If possible, you do not want to be interrupted! I would love our readers' feedback on these--what other questions should we be asking?


Expectations:
• How often do you want to have sex?
• Do you want ‘advance notice’ or is a last minute request okay? (i.e., you plan all day for intimacy at night, or do you "spur of the moment" decide? PS-I think there is room for both!)
• Is there a particular time of day that you like making love?
• Will you make love while the children are awake, or will it be after they are asleep?
• How much time do you want to spend in foreplay?
• Who does the initiation? Husband, wife, or both?
• Are you going to say yes every time intimacy is suggested? If no, for what reasons would you say no?
• Does the wife need to wear lingerie every time?
• Lights on? Lights off? During daylight hours or no?
• Ladies especially: do you expect a romantic dinner by candlelight before sex?
• Do our expectations reflect Christ-honoring principles of not withholding ourselves from our spouse, and of wives submitting to their husbands?
• What can I do to romance and woo you more?
• What can I do to serve you and meet your needs, physically, emotionally, and romantically?

Reactions:
• What do you enjoy about sex?
• What don’t you enjoy?
• Fill in the blanks: I like it when you kiss my ____________
• I enjoy your touch on my ____________
• What turns you on and arouses you? (ask yourself this, and ask your spouse this!)
• Do you (the wife) expect to have an orgasm each time you make love?
• What will help you achieve an orgasm?
• Do you (the wife) enjoy wearing lingerie?
• Do you enjoy foreplay? Verbal foreplay or physical foreplay?
• Are there things you do not want to do? (oral sex is often a big ‘line’—I am not offering an opinion, but saying that such things should be discussed)
• Is there anything I do that kills the mood?
• Does our treatment of each other in sexual relations reflect our Christ-centered commitments to love others more than ourselves, to not withhold ourselves from our spouse, and to keep the marriage bed holy?
• How is our sex life affecting our marriage and family?
• What would make me a better lover?


For further reading, I highly recommend the series of posts, "Being Sexy for your Husband" found at Making Home blog. You can read the first post of the series here.

Things Couples Do, pt. 1 (communication)

Recently, I told my husband that I was responsible for a week of blog posts here at Prayer of Hannah, and I asked his advice about what I should write on. He grinned and said “Sex!” I rolled my eyes and elbowed him, and said something like “No, I’m serious!” Then I started thinking about it, and mulling over it, and then I decided to write about it. Buckle up.

I debated titling this post simply “Sex”, but then realized many internet filters might block it…and it might appear alarming on your Google reader or Bloglines! I hope that you will not find this post offensive, but instead a helpful discussion of the priority of marital intimacy.

This quote from Nicole Chesmore at the Girl Talk blog paints a wonderful picture of the marital relationship: “[W]hile I share fellowship and labors, joys and trials with many others, sex is something I share only with my husband. It’s our own little world, closed to all. Not even the dearest friend or family member can enter. We are on a journey, the two of us. An exclusive journey. A journey of love. We are creating memories known only to us. Secrets only we share. The further we go on this journey, the bond between us grows more powerful and intense. The "knowing" grows deeper. The love grows sweeter.” (Advice for Brides)

Sex has come up once or twice before here on POH, usually in the discussion of our marriage and priorities. And let’s face it—while intimacy in marriage is a wonderful, God-ordained thing, small children, physical ailments, school and life challenges cause conflict with our priorities! Please bear with me as I talk about two crucial issues in marital intimacy: communication and preparation.

Communication
Premarital counseling and books on the subject of marriage tell you that communication is essential to a healthy marriage, and to a healthy sex life. Of course that is true! You must talk to your spouse—you must tell him what is going on in your life, and you must inquire into the details of his life. Communication is especially crucial for your sex life. I cannot begin to tell you how awkward it can feel to talk about sex, even with your spouse, especially about, um, “details.” Yet, with God's grace, over time and through practice, the awkwardness can fade. For those who are newlywed, important topics include expectations (how often does sex occur, who initiates, etc) and reactions (what you like and don’t like). “Long-time” married couples should still talk about their expectations and reactions, knowing that things change over time.

As you know, I am pregnant, and as such my hormones run on many highs and lows. That is both positive and negative for my desire for intimacy, and so I have had to talk with my husband about it. Though we have been married for almost ten years, and he knows me as well as I know myself, I needed to tell him that I wanted to be pursued and romanced, even more early in the pregnancy, when I was tired and feeling sick. That conversation, and others like it, allowed us to grow closer to each other emotionally and physically, and helped us through what could have been a rough time.

Let me plead for compassion and gentleness in dealing with this topic. Men and women’s reactions can vary, and emotions run high. Strive to communicate exactly how you feel and what you are thinking, and pray for the Lord to give you clarity so your words are not misunderstood. Enter every conversation with humility, remembering that sex is a gift from God, for marriage and for his glory.


Tomorrow, Part 2: Preparation