Rewind back to Discipline

This post was originally posted by Leah in February of 2008. I thought we should revisit this week in preparation for another week of discussions on discipline. It seems we always come back to this topic in comments and we really feel like it needs another week of its own. If you want to see other posts on this topic - the category on the right side is "training your children."

I must say first off that I am very thankful for the many families that have modeled godly child-rearing to me before we even had Samuel. So much of what I learned didn't even come from these parents directly explaining to me what they were doing but from observing the way they interacted with their children. I also received good advice from many parents whom I respected as I prepared to raise Samuel. Reading "Shepherding a Child's Heart" by Tedd Tripp helped me to focus my attention in teaching Samuel. And finally, but most importantly, I have learned an immense amount from studying Scripture and considering the relationship that God calls me to as his daughter. I have learned what it means to be a compassionate parent, a servant, and to be concerned with matters of the heart, not just external things. So, here follows a summary of how we have approached child-rearing in our home and where we hope to take it over these next few years.

We started out Samuel's "discipline process" by teaching him clear boundaries. In the beginning, we used the word "NO" to keep Samuel from hurting himself. This started when he was around 6 months old and was becoming more mobile. Over the next few months, Samuel began testing these safety boundaries, as well as pushing the envelope in other areas to see how we would react (i.e. throwing his food off his tray). This was when he was around 9 months old. It was at this point that "NO" was also used to begin to mold his behavior. My husband and I decided between us what was acceptable vs. unacceptable behavior and set our minds to enforce these things.
Advice #1: Start setting boundaries early. It is so much easier to have a "Battle of the Wills" with a 9 month old over throwing food than it is to wait until a child is 2 years old to start enforcing rules. I can say that so far this is true in Samuel's life. Starting early with him has clearly established authority and obedience (more about these two words in a moment). At this point (~9 months) our "NO" was also accompanied by a hand swat. This was very short lived - Samuel thought we were playing. Elizabeth Krueger at Raising Godly Tomatoes (an AWESOME resource on this topic) does not encourage swatting hands, but bottoms instead. We switched to swatting Samuel's bottom when he would not obey. Advice #2: Teach First Time obedience. Don't give your child ten warnings and threats when they disobey. If they learn early on that "NO" means "NO", then they know what to expect from you. If they are given a variable number of chances, they don't know when you are finally serious. I find that this also leads to more temper outburts on my part. It isn't that I say "NO" and deal with the problem, but I keep giving warnings until finally my patience wears out and I discipline in anger. Learning to obey the first time is beneficial for both child and parent.

Now, to address the words "authority" and "obedience". First, let's consider "authority". I'll yield to Tedd Tripp to explain: "As a parent, you must exercise authority. You must require obedience of your children because they are called by God to obey and honor you. You must exercise authority, not as a cruel taskmaster, but as one who truly loves them. The purpose for your authority in the lives of your children is not to hold them under your power, but to empower them to be self-controlled people living freely under the authority of God." When I consider how to be an authority to Samuel, I consider God's fatherly relationship with me. He is my authority and He disciplines me because He loves me. He has compassion on me and He is the initiator of love within our relationship. He is always there to love me, listen to me, and forgive me. I try to model these same things to Samuel. Second, we have the word "obedience". True, I do want Samuel to be an obedient child. I want him to respect rules and respect others. But this is not the goal of my child-rearing. Here again is a quotation from Tedd Tripp that guides my parenting: "The central focus of parenting is the gospel. You need to direct not simply the behavior of your children, but the attitudes of their hearts. Your children desperately need to understand not only the external "what" they did wrong, but also the internal "why" they did it. You must help them see that God works from the inside out. Therefore, your parenting goal cannot simply be well behaved children. Your children must also understand why they sin and how to recognize internal change." Advice #3: Help your child to understand why they do wrong, not just what they do wrong.

At 18 months old, Samuel is still in the phase of the "disicpline process" of learning to obey the safety and behavior boundaries we have set for him. But I can tell that we are quickly approaching our next phase. He has just recently began to show signs of willful anger. He will also quickly be faced with having another little one in the house, which should bring about the opportunity to learn even more about the sin that lurks in his heart. Our next phase is that outlined in Shepherding a Child's Heart. The "when" of spanking will still be the same: when Samuel has been given an instruction that he is capable of understanding but does not obey without challenge, excuse or delay. But as his ability to understand and communicate grows, our approach to this time of discipline changes. Tedd Tripp suggests this pattern: 1. Tell your child specifically what they've done wrong. 2. Secure an acknowledgment from the child of what he has done so he knows why he's being spanked. 3. Remind him that you are spanking him because he has removed himself from the place of proper submission to your authority and you are restoring him to that place. 4. Tell the child how many swats he will receive. 5. Place the child over your lap and spank. 6. After spanking, take the child in your lap and hug him. This is the time of restoration between you both. 7. Pray with your child. Advice #4: Seek restoration with your child. The focus should always be on teaching your child that there is a circle of blessing when we are obedient and when we step outside of that circle there are consequences. Again, we teach them that the sin in their heart leads them astray, but by the power of Christ's forgiveness, we can find grace to be restored to the circle of blessing.