Secondary Infertility(?)

Posted by  | Monday, October 3, 2011  at 8:48 AM  
I'm going a little personal today, so brace yourselves!

I shared awhile back that my husband and I have been trying to have another baby. This month marks our one year of trying. I thought I would give a little update on how I'm feeling about it all and what our next steps will be.

One of the things that I frequently feel is that I have the heart and mindset of a mom of many children. I would have loved to have a "stair step" set of children, you know, 5 under 5 and all that. So when I read blogs of these moms or read stories about them, I feel like I want to relate. I used to think, "oh, that will be me someday soon." As more and more space grows between Joel (my youngest) and the possibility of another child, I feel that my family dynamic will be different. I look at the growing gap and think oh, man, I'm not even one kid behind now - I'm two kids behind! I 'should' have had one when Joel was 1.5 and another when he was 3. I'm not even pregnant now, so he will turn 4 before another baby could even be born. These are the kinds of thoughts that run around in my head!! I'm not making any claims that these are rational thoughts, but I wanted to share with you in case someone else out there feels this way. So when another mom talks to me and makes a comment on bigger families and says she could never do that, I realize that she is trying to relate to me because I have two kids just like her. It kind of takes me by surprise because I don't think of myself as a "just two kids" kind of person. But more on that in a second...

As far as the next step, we are going to see a Reproductive Endocrinologist this week. I have gone back and forth about this decision. My husband and I have said that we don't have any intentions of doing any fertility treatments (a personal decision we've reached for ourselves only) but I still feel like I want to go and at least see if we can find out what's going on. I couldn't explain why until yesterday when our pastor shared something during the sermon and I was like, "yes, that's exactly what I'm trying to say." He said that there are basically three answers to prayer - yes, no, and wait. The yeses are great, of course. The nos are tough, but at least they're an answer. The wait is the hardest because it requires us to really wait on God and trust in him (thus making it the hardest but the most beneficial! Ugh!). I guess I've been feeling that if I can't have a "yes" to having another baby, I'd rather have a "no" and move on than a "wait". Even as I type this I see that that is me choosing what is more comfortable for me than what is going to stretch me. Again, remember, I gave the disclaimer that I was going to get personal today!

So we'll head to the guy this week and see what he has to say. Ugh.

And either way, back to the bigger family thing, we are still walking down our road to adoption sometime in the future. We just joined a program here in Chicago called Safe Families, which is like Foster Care Light (we don't receive any money and the placements are for a short amount of time to provide relief for families in need without abuse or neglect). And we'll probably start our foster care classes this winter/spring on the road to Foster Adoption. We will continue to walk this road regardless of whether I get pregnant again or not. But there is still the waiting and the longing and the trying to find closure.

So, that's my super personal post for you this Monday morning!! Please share any thoughts you have - whether you have been here before or are here now. I'd love to hear what you all have to say.


Kari said...

I appreciate how open and honest you are. I will be praying for you this week.

aje said...

Thanks so much for your honesty, Leah! I was JUST thinking about you this afternoon while doing house cleaning. :) Was thinking about you and your current struggle and prayed for you. Oh, and remember that "prophecy" that Samuel had years ago???? Seriously, how weird its that???? :) Will keep praying for you as you wait. Thanks again for the post! :)

The Houks said...

I have had so many of the same thoughts. It was so good to hear you express them so honestly. I have two boys. I always thought I would have stair step children as well. So far, it has just taken my body quite a while to conceive. So my boys are farther apart than I would have planned and we are already waiting on the third...wondering when the Lord will choose for the next one. Thank you for sharing! Praying for you guys as well!

Paige said...

My pastor had a similar message yesterday as well---yes, no, or wait. Going this week is just what you need. Some answers will help you.

Christy said...

We have walked a similar journey. We got pregnant with my daughter Lily fairly quickly. After she was born I got my cycle back at 3 months and starting freaking out. Considering that I was only 23 at the time, I "did the math" and assumed we'd be the Duggars before I knew it.

We chose to prevent for a while, but once we started trying again it took more than two years to get pregnant. I'm now 15 weeks along and very very grateful, but I haven't figured out the "why" behind the "wait."

I don't know what God's plan is for you, but no matter what it holds remember that He is good and His plan for you is only good. That doesn't mean it's easy though!

Hannah said...

Leah, (I'm a stranger by the way, who stumbled across your baby wearing blog, and hence to here) I relate so much! I mean, I was one of 9 kids, and always assumed that was what would happen to me. I even (ashamed to admit) would think I was better than others who would obsess with the exact (small) number of kids they were going to have, while I said blithely "as many as the Lord gives" only to find out that I really was ordering a large family from Him, and was very very upset at the prospect of that not happening....sigh. I had an emergency C section with my first, and bled for 2 months, so I am a little scared about what is going on in there, and honestly realizing I might not repeat my mom...I realized having a big family was the biggest desire of my heart. Struggling with putting that in God's hands right now. I will so be praying God gives you more little ones! ~Hannah

Anonymous said...

Hi, I stumbled across this blog entry after searching SIF. I suffer secondary IF and found there isn't many that blog about it. I try and educate others on how it effects us emotionally, and how confusing it is. I mean, our son was conceived so easily. We started trying for #2 when back in April 2009 (our son is now 4!), and hence we are still trying. Its been a really rough road, and like you, we have chosen not to use invasive assisted conception to increase our chances. We are unexplained infertile, and all we do now is have faith, hope and pray.

After all the tears, the pain and failed cycles, the 'gap' between your children is really insignificant. We just hope that we get to have a 2nd at all.

And I am one of 5 kids, so I cannot fathom my son growing up without a sibling or more..

Sorry for the long story, but just wanted to let you know I get it. Im there, and you are not alone.


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