Dealing with problems in Marriage

My post today comes from some advice I received about a year and a half ago. I met with my pastor's wife one afternoon to talk about some problems I was having within my marriage. I had asked her ahead of time to be prepared to give me tough advice. I didn't want her empathize with me; I didn't want her to coddle me. I wanted her to be a straight-shooter with me. Well, she took the challenge! I walked out of our meeting with a conviction of sin, a clear plan of how to deal with it, and the confidence that she would be praying for me and checking in on me.

I won't really get into the specifics of the problems because I want to protect the intimacy of my marriage and the point is really that you can fill in the blank with any problems you may be experiencing in your own marriage.

When I met with Mary (name changed) I explained a little of what was going on. But I told her I wasn't looking for her to help me "fix" the problems - I wanted her to show me how *I* can change to make things better. Mary shared that my priority in life needs to be that my husband feels loved and respected. And the main way that's going to happen is for me to learn to hold my tongue and to put him before all other priorities/things. All the day-to-day decisions, efficiencies, projects, etc. will fade away and not matter in 20 years - but the way I treat my husband and make him feel day-to-day will affect him and affect our relationship for a lifetime.

Mary suggested I make 2 lists - one of the things I feel bother me about my husband and one of the things I appreciate about him. With the first, I need to decide how I am going to deal with my bad feelings as they come. With the second, I need to concentrate on building love for my husband through those, conscientiously praising him for them and using them to build him up.

These lists have really helped me. They allowed me to write down 4 specific things that were really bothering me in our marriage. Then I was forced to specifically answer how I would deal with my negative feelings when the situations arose. It helped me to have a concrete plan in my head for when those hard times came.  Also, wow, the second list helped me to see how much I appreciate my husband. I think I was so focused on the negative that I had forgotten about the positives. In my down times, I can focus on those 5 things and renew my spirit to love and respect my husband.

I challenge you to come up with your own lists. If you are having trouble with them, please feel free to email me at leah payne at hotmail dot com. I can share a little from my lists to jumpstart your thinking. But please accept my challenge and see if it helps you.