Communication with Our Husbands...

Posted by  | Monday, June 14, 2010  at 4:54 AM  
When I first saw this topic it made me snicker and think, “Communicate with my husband??? I am good at that…aren’t all women good at communication?! It’s the husbands with the communication difficulties!” :) Then I came to my senses (or God convicted me:) of my communication Inabilities. For me, when it comes to communicating with my husband, I don’t have a problem with coming up with words but I do have issues with TIMING those words. So, in this post I am going to deal with timing our communication.
Timing truly is everything in regards to communication in my marriage.

Studying Story
When Matt and I first married (our sophomore year of college) we were in youth ministry. We traveled an hour and a half each weekend to serve at our church. On Friday nights we always had a youth service. We would leave class, pack our suitcase and head to our church in another town. As we drove on the curvy road I would begin small talk with Matt. Many times this would turn into an argument and I could not figure out what the problem was. Matt would say, “Do you see I am trying to study!?” Now you have to understand…he was sitting in the car, looking out of the window and saying nothing. So, I thought it was a great time to talk. He, on the other hand, was going over what he was about to teach to the youth…it’s the way he studied and I had no idea! I study with Bible, paper and pen in hand…He studies a passage….and then “mulls” over and prays over it A LOT! It took me years to figure out when he was studying because his study ways were not my study ways. Lesson learned: My husband is different from me. It is my job to figure him out…learn him…learn how he ticks.

Intimacy Story
Matt and I were planning a little “rendezvous” one evening (actually this has happened several times). I was getting into something a little more comfortable and he was in the room with me….at that time I brought up an issue with one of our children and their school work. Needless to say, this was not the timing for that conversation. To me, I was just sharing with him. To him, that conversation could have waited because all he had was one thing on his mind. It did decrease the “heat of the moment.” Did I mean to “ruin” the moment? Absolutely not…it’s just the way many women tick. BUT, could that conversation have waited? Absolutely! Lesson learned: My husband deals with conversations beautifully on just about any topic AFTER intimate moments. :)

Finances Story
Early in our marriage we had financial issues because we were students and in ministry at the same time and that just made for an empty checking account. Empty checking accounts can cause stress in any situation. When I was pregnant with our first child we lived in a small parsonage beside the church we serve. Matt worked two jobs and was in seminary. I worked part time. One day we found ourselves out of money, credit, and gas. We also opened our pantry to one can of Veg-All in the cabinet. Emotions and tensions were high as we discussed what we were going to do. Late at night we just felt overwhelmed, like our world was falling apart. By morning, life seemed “doable” and we were clearly more reasonable in our thinking and kinder with our words. Lesson learned: We found that discussing any finances after 10 pm was never a good idea. Making big decisions also is never a good idea after 10 pm.

Respect Story
Before we married no one ever taught me that men desired respect more than anything in a marriage. I just figured that we just needed to love one another and that was it. How did that “love” play out? Well, I did chores to show Matt I loved him. He said words to tell me he loved me and both of us were communicating with good intentions but were not feeling completely fulfilled. Years into our marriage we read a book called Love and Respect by Dr. Emerson Eggerichs that changed our marriage in a powerful way. “Cracking the communication code between husband and wife involves understanding one thing; that unconditional respect is as powerful for him as unconditional love is for her. It’s the secret that every couple seeks, and yet few couples ever find.” I could never do the book justice in my explanation so just get it and read it…a must! :) Lesson learned: Matt desires for me to respect him in my words, attitudes and actions…intentional cooperation in following his lead...that’s the highest form of love I can show him.


Karla said...

Great post! I am reading love and respect and it is very good.

Krista said...

So well said. Thanks for sharing your advice and experiences!!

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