Marital Issues: Sex, pt. 2

Originally posted in August 2010 with minor editorial changes

Preparation

Watching for mood killers
Nathan and I have regular mood killers—their names are Georgia, Baxter, and Eleanor. These wonderful little humans, that our intimacy created, also can steal our joy in the most private of moments. However, they are not the only ones. Creating a comprehensive list of mood killers is impossible, but here are a few ideas of things that can kill your intimacy:
• SIN—it is the barrier between us and God, and it is often the barrier between us and other people. Marriage strips away our façade of perfection and self-righteousness. It shows us how selfish we really are, and that selfishness extends to sex.
• Exhaustion—Lives are busy, schedules are wild, we fight exhaustion. I have, you have—we all have. Enough said.
• Inappropriate conversations—this sounds crazy, but I don’t advise talking about money and the budget shortly before you head upstairs for some personal time. Just a tip from someone who knows—money kills the romantic buzz. Other possible 'bad' topics: disciplining your children, anything to do with the in-laws, your spouse's preference for video games:)
• Poor planning/timing—Don’t putter around in the kitchen until the absolute last minute, so that you enter your bedroom tired and in a bad mood (um, yes, I am talking to myself!). Don’t put off lovemaking until right before bed every time—you will often be too tired to enjoy those moments. Schedule romantic times with your husband (and sometimes allow these times to not end in sex).
• Overeating—this makes you sluggish, tired and sleepy. It doesn’t help the romance!


Working on mood “builders”
Ladies, we must realize that many of our husbands can have sex any time of day, at the drop of a hat. We must prepare our hearts to be ready to embrace those moments.
• Make sex a matter of prayer. Ask the Lord to bless your marriage—all aspects, including intimacy.
• Confess any sins that might be hampering you. Confess any fears, desires, or concerns that you have.
• Plan for intimacy. If your husband has dropped the hint, make sure you PICK IT UP! Get rest in the afternoon so you don’t collapse in the evening. Surprise him by wearing a nightie that he likes. Be waiting for him to get home if he arrives later in the evening (he’ll LOVE that).
• Think romantic, desirous thoughts toward your husband during the day. If possible, communicate that to him. I am not advocating dirty emails or texts, but tell your husband you are longing for him.
• Kiss him passionately before he leaves for work. Kisses are good for the romantic soul, even when they don’t lead directly to sex.
• Play romantic music. Read romantic poetry. Read the Song of Solomon, thinking of your spouse as you do! Please note: I do not recommend watching a romantic movie/show/soap opera to prepare you for intimacy with your husband. Your affections should be directed toward your spouse, not toward Edward Cullen/Derek McDreamy/Fitzwilliam Darcy. I am not saying that there is anything wrong with being a fan of these characters (I am a big Darcy fan, personally), but that is just what they are—characters! They are figments of the imagination, and when we dwell on them too long, our affections shift from our Lord and our spouse to an idol of the heart. Guard your heart against emotional adultery, even with fictional characters!
• Think of what would please your husband! Our husbands love it when we are eager, willing, and responsive.
• Add incentive if you like: Best use of a dollar.

What mood killers do you fight against in your marriage? What mood “builders” work for you? I would love to hear your feedback. I hope that my little posts on sex and the importance of marital intimacy has been encouraging, and that anything I say might point you to the Author of marriage, intimacy and romance, our Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ.