Coping and Caring

If you are struggling with infertility at the moment, my words of wisdom are not anything profound, but these are some of the things that helped get us through. I also know that we're on the other side of the fence now, but as Krista said ealier, already having a baby doesn't make the quest for #2 any easier. I'm personally dreading the 2nd attempt. I'm slowly warming up to the idea of another baby, but I'm not ready for all the doctors, shots, etc. Anyway, these are some "tips" that helped get us through and will have to help get us through rounds 2 and 3.

(1) Pray. God is big enough to handle every question you ask, including the “Why’s?(The “Why” questions with infertility are endless.) Express all of your feelings to God, even the angry ones! He is big enough! Ask for a spirit of “neutral surrender”—peace with whatever God’s plan is for your family.
(2) Do not make having a baby the focal point of your marriage. Take time to enjoy one another and realize that you and your husband are a COMPLETE FAMILY. The two of you make up the family unit, not the two of you plus children. Children are a heritage and a gift, but not the definition of a family. Don’t wait to have children to establish traditions! Try to see your time as a family of two as a God-ordained time with a task. It became a lot harder for us to be fully involved in church activities once we were three instead of two.
(3) Take care of your body. I found that I became very frustrated with my body for not cooperating. Crazy or not, I believe the mind-spirit-body connection is important.
(4) Avoid having a “pie-in-the-sky” picture of families with babies. It’s HARD work having a newborn, and it takes a while for your marriage to adjust to having attention placed elsewhere. I caught myself seeing couples with babies and imagining how great their lives must be, etc. I think I didn’t appreciate the time with my husband as “just the two of us” as much as I should have as a result of these feelings.
(5) Do not be alone with your struggle. Reach out for support and encouragement and know that infertility is not something to be ashamed of. My husband was great in helping me learn this. I was reluctant to let people know about all we were going through since it is such a personal issue, but he basically helped me see that we needed others to lean on. Also, you can’t expect others to know that their conversations about their babies or children or pregnancy are hurtful—you need to let others in!
(6) Do not go to baby showers if it’s too much to handle . . . and DON’T feel guilty about not going! Still send a gift, but be honest with friends and family members. Infertility is not something to be ashamed of!
(7) Seek medical help. Make an appointment with your general ob/gyn to discuss your situation. It can be a relief to know what the problem is—I’m so glad that we knew Chris was sterile instead of assuming that what one doctor theorized was true. Chances are, you will not need to go through everything we did to have a baby. There are many other less expensive, less invasive treatment options out there. There is also plenty of info on the web. www.resolve.org is a great resource for treatment options, support, etc.
(8) Keep communication open with each other about how you are feeling. Chris had a completely different set of feelings than I did. He felt really powerless and guilty, whereas my feelings were mostly of the anxious variety. It’s easy for the same desire (having a baby) to actually create separation in your marriage.
(9) Decide as a couple where your line is if you have to go the route of fertility treatment. We decided that surrogacy was out of the question. We also decided that having a donor sperm was out of the question, even though a Christian couple we knew conceived by using sperm from a donor. We knew that if we ever came to these options, we would start looking toward adoption more seriously. (We actually researched adoption after our first appointment at Duke.) I would also have a serious, honest discussion about your ethical concerns and seek the counsel of clergy in this area.
(10) Pray, pray, pray!
(11) If you've already had a baby after infertility, don't feel guilty about feelings every mother experiences. One night, I remember crying while holding my sweet little newborn because I had the thought cross my mind, "I can't believe I ever wanted to do this." I was exhausted, nursing was going horribly, and I was sick. I felt like I was being ungrateful for all God had brought us through until I realized that God had actually answered a prayer I had prayed: I was finally just like everyone else.
(11) Hold on. Some days, all we could do was just simply hold on . . .


If you know someone struggling with infertility, here are some ways that you can support her (or him):

(1) If you haven’t ever struggled with fertility, admit that you don’t understand. Now that you’ve read all the posts this week (and more are coming!), you could let her (or him) know that you’ve read about all the struggles and how hard infertility is emotionally and spiritiually.
(2) Ask what type of discussion would make her (or him) uncomfortable. (Your complaining about pregnancy ailments, for example, might be difficult for her to handle.) I personally didn’t want friends treating me differently. I didn’t want them to feel odd sharing pregnancy news with me or having to walk on eggshells around me. It really depends on the person, though, so I say ASK! It also shows that you understand he or she has feelings about the issue.
(3) Listen. Do not offer advice. Do not treat her like she is sick or handicapped. Don't judge feelings she or he has that may not be theologically correct (ie--Why me? It's not fair.)
(4) Pray with them. The prayers that meant the most to me were the ones that I heard. Another option would be to write a prayer to the Lord on their behalf and send it in the mail.
(5) Try to be an escape/diversion. It’s very easy for trying-to-get-pregnant to become the focal point of life. It was nice to be able to hang out with a friend without thinking or talking about pregnancy or children.
(6) The absolute worst thing to say is, “Just relax, and it will happen.” Chances are, she’s heard that a zillion times. Also, for me, it showed that people really had no clue: my husband was sterile. I could relax for months, and nothing was going to happen aside from divine intervention (for which I did pray!).
(7) My general rule is that I don’t ask couples when they are going to have a baby. You never know what they are going through, and some women (and men, too!) feel like failures when they have trouble conceiving. Your asking compounds pressure that she is already feeling.
(8) Be a friend. Simple sentences like, “I’m cheering for you” are just enough, especially when you feel like you can’t relate.


So that's all on my end. The other ladies this week probably have even more nuggets of wisdom to share . . . I'm so glad that we're hearing all of these stories this week! Each family has such a different story, but one main theme: God is forever faithful and His timing is perfect!